Stop Fighting

One Day at a Time

Well, it’s 3 AM. I simply cannot sleep. Strange. So much for rearranging my sleep pattern. I’ve worked three full DAY shifts in a row, so one would think that after waking up fairly early the last few days and after averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night the last three nights, I would have been able to go to sleep early tonight. At least around midnight, which is early indeed for me. But no.

I think I internalize all of my stress, worry, and anxiety. I can’t really put my finger on anything that’s truly bothering me. It’s more of a physiological nervousness, tenseness . . . I feel like this almost all the time. It’s like a constant adrenaline rush. Things moving too fast. Thoughts moving too fast. My brain won’t shut the fuck up.

There are many problems in the world: wars, terrorism, skyrocketing national debt, skyrocketing oil and gas prices, unemployment. God help us all if hyper inflation is right around the corner. I’m poor right now, so it would really suck for me. And I internalize these things, I think, even though many of them don’t effect me, or aren’t affecting me . . . yet. Oh, but they are affecting me. Why am I working at Walmart for $13,000 a year when I should have a $60,000 a year job in engineering? Well, I’m getting full time soon so that should make it an $18,000 a year job I guess.

Perhaps it’s not the macro picture that I’m internalizing at all. Perhaps it’s micro. Perhaps it’s on a personal level. Just the tiny shit that happens throughout the day . . . worried about what others think in certain social situations. For example, worried about my lack of interaction with my new manager. She probably thinks I’m dumb. I mean, I never talk to her. That’s the very definition of "dumb" . . . I don’t speak. I don’t say a word. Mainly because I’m scared to death of her. She’s just one of those way too serious people. Oh shit, I’m one of those people too. But no, I have never seen the lady smile. She’s blunt though, in how she comes across and I hate that. So, she’s completely outgoing with the seriousness. I’m very serious, probably overly serious (most would think) but I’m shy, I’m introverted, so I don’t force that seriousness, sombreness, and bitterness all over everyone else. It’s really tacky.

Or, perhaps option number three, it’s worrying about the worry. That is really the worst of the three. This is where my mind just completely runs away with itself. Worrying I won’t ever sleep again. Ha. Worrying I won’t get enough sleep. Worrying about how the worry makes me feel physically . . . physically tense, adrenaline rush, etc.

The macro picture, I have no control over. Serenity prayer, I can’t worry about what I can’t control. The micro picture . . .at some point it all boils down to ego. I am worried about what other people think of ME. It’s all about me, don’t you see? I’m worried how people’s opinions of me will affect ME (especially the opinions of those who have power over me such as bosses, managers, etc). Damn it, I’m so fucking special, don’t you know, it will just be the end of the world if everybody doesn’t love the hell out of me, LOL. Let it go, Andy (I tell myself)! It’s not about YOU. Just let it be, man. It’s like the drinking . . . I quit fighting. That’s what I have to do with the worry, just quit fighting it. With the drinking, so what if I never drink again, doesn’t bother me, I’ve surrendered. Needs to be the same with things I worry about . . . so what if this or that doesn’t go my way or if I have troubles sleeping, shouldn’t bother me.

And option three will take care of itself if I just don’t worry. I just have to not care. If I don’t get any sleep, fine. If I get good sleep, great. Whatever, doesn’t matter. And it really doesn’t in the short term, so why worry? And then when I don’t worry things should return to a normal state of balance. Well, this solution nicely ties into the one mentioned above about not fighting. Fighting just makes me more tense, more anxious. Trying to not be tense or anxious, so let it go. Surrender.

AND, if all else fails, and I can’t sleep, I can at least get my ass up and be productive: grab a glass of coke, throw in a dip of Grizzly, and start writing, start working on the treasury stuff, hell, even search for jobs online. I have no excuses.

-AR

PS: I know what some of you are thinking. Certain phrases and truths I’ve learned in A.A. completely go against common sense (or what I thought was common sense), or even good judgement. I can think of two off the top of my head: 1) Surrendering: normally one would not find this to be a good character trait. It sounds like you’re giving up. You’re not fighting anymore. There’s no virtue in surrendering! Got to fight, man! Well, when it comes to alcohol, and when it comes to my worry and anxiety, I’d say surrender is the perfect thing to do; 2) Lower your expectations. What? The first time I heard that one I thought that was ridiculous. It seems to go against the whole "positive thinking" meme that everyone knows is quite virtuous and good. I mean, you should set expectations high so you can achieve your goals, right? You should set high standards for yourself, expect no less than the best from yourself. But again, this statement comes down to who, what, and when, just like the idea of surrender. There’s a time and a place for high expectations. But one can get into a lot of trouble if they expect too much of their fellow man. I can’t control other people, so why try?