Depressed?

One Day at a Time

<————— See XT log THAT way. 

And, as I mentioned in that entry, I was going write a bit about what’s been bothering me.  So here it goes.  Like I said in the previous entry . . . I wasn’t going to write it because I HATE sounding negavite.  I want to be positive.  I’ve even had a couple of noters tell me the reason they first started reading me was because I was so positive all the time . . . overcoming difficulties, etc.  There will be a time for that once more later on.  I want to laugh.  I don’t want to cry.  But it’s MY diary, so I will write what’s going on at the moment.  Get it off my chest, so to speak.  If you don’t care to read then don’t.

Normally when I’m stressed or depressed, the nicotine picks me up. Today it’s not working. That’s one way I know I’m depressed. Even nicotine doesn’t work. Kind of bummed it’s not working for me at the moment.

I’ve effectively only got one off day this week. Wednesday. Today, Saturday, was my other off day, since the schedule week runs Saturday through Friday. But I still hate it. Gotta work 8 of the next 9 days, starting Sunday. At least some of those are 5 hour shifts instead of 8 hrs. Kind of depressed about it. But at least I have a job, right?

Wondering how my sleep and running will hold up with all the work coming up, and as I’ve said before, my schedule is irregular. Some days it will be morning shifts, other days it will be evening shifts.

Still haven’t found a speaker for my A.A. meeting on Friday. I’m stressing about it big time. Monday will be four days notice. All I can say is I won’t be volunteering to find speakers again any time soon. I hate it. I hate putting people on the spot by asking them. And this is compounded by having to ask them on such short notice. I hate rejection too. So far my rejection rate this month is 50%. Half of the people I’ve asked couldn’t do it, or didn’t want to.

Just in general, I feel like life is passing me by. I will be 30 in a few months, and I still have no clue what I want to do with my life. I have a degree, but it’s been tough finding a job in that field. I’m really tired of complaining about it. Also, I see other people moving on with their lives in general. Careers, marriage, etc. Not me. Just wasting away another off day, doing nothing social and nothing to meet people. The irregular schedule with work kind of bars me from being involved in anything with a regular schedule.

And, I noticed on facebook that my ex, Megan put up a profile pic of E proposing to her. I guess they are surely getting married now. We have mutual friends. It’s not like I seek these things out anymore. Try not to. But with mutual friends, I hear stuff, I see stuff. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. Scratch what I said before. It was NOT just infatuation. I loved her. Still do. That’s not wrong. It just is. But, this too shall pass, like anything else.

I wish it would all pass right now. Happy, joyous, and free, as they say in A.A. That’s what I want to be.

My sponsor has been out of the country for 3 weeks and he’s not coming back until early February. I’m really not happy about this, but I’d never tell him that. He hasn’t called. I’m afraid to call . . . interrupt his vacation . . . or whatever he wants to call it. He’s in the Caribbean, where it’s nice and warm. We have been e-mailing back and forth but what can you really talk about on e-mail? I’m going crazy here, and my sponsor has left me. Not feeling good about it at all.

I could complain about the cold weather, but I won’t, lest my readers from other parts of the country think me crazy. I mean, I know it could be a LOT worse. It’s all what you’re used to, I guess. More than that, I miss 8PM sunsets. The days end way too early. I’m ready for winter to be OVER.

I am NOT sleeping well. Haven’t in . . . 6 months, at least. I can’t stay asleep longer than 4 hours. I will go to bed, then wake up 4 hours later, and not be able to go back to sleep. At least, not easily. I remember many of my dreams since I sleep so lightly. I used to be able to nap easily but these days, a half hour nap is lucky. An hour is gold.

I’m NOT about to drink over all of this though. No way. Sober another day. Win. Sober for 807 days . . . well over two years now. Win. Things will improve. They always do. These things go in cycles. Hmmm . . . Bipolar much? Hope not. Don’t think so. Never been diagnosed with any psychological problem other than Generalized Anxiety Disorder . . . and of course, alcoholism (which I am in recovery from, obviously).

When I was taking a nap this evening, I dreamed that I was praying, crying out to God . . . "Why do I feel like this? Take all these burdens, take them away. I give them to you. Let me have peace!" No response. Sometimes I worry that God doesn’t exist. He obviously isn’t hearing my cries. If he does exist, then does he even care? Maybe I’ve gone too far. Maybe God has washed his hands of me. I hope not. I’ve been told it’s not about "feelings". It’s not about "thinking" either. I’ve tried to "think" my way to God and it doesn’t work. It’s action. Action, action, action. Just like in A.A. I have to do the right things and only then does the compulsion to drink (eventually) go away. Only then do things get better. I don’t go to church, I don’t read the bible. I don’t pray, save for those pathetic "fox hole" prayers . . . "boohoo, I feel like shit, MAKE me better, damnit!" I know what I need to do (not think, not feel, but DO). Yet I don’t. So nothing gets better. This goes for me, spiritually, but it goes for the career and social stuff too.

I really need to be doubling down on step work right now . . . making more meeting even.  How?  Sponsor is gone.  Working too much.  Still have to find time to run, exercise in general, and sleep.

-AR