ptsd/dreams/almost a year/seeing ‘his’ friends….

For those unaware. last Dec. 22 I was, again, sexually abused. yes I talked to the RAINN people about it. like, a week after it happened. I’ll tell someone when I’m ready. which isn’t now, so. and I told the owner of the bar who blamed me [which is why I don’t like her]. and I told a friend of mine a bar regular Kim. and Pat knows. and Evan knows. [actually Pat was probably the first person I told. I told him last Xmas Eve].

Which means that it’s been almost a year since. I have ptsd though not from that one. I was diagnosed in college 2 yrs. after the first one. which. was when I was 17. the therapist I was seeing in college diagnosed me. I actually haven’t seen a therapist since. [nothing against it just not for me. um].

Yeah so lately and probably not surprisingly I’ve been having dreams about ‘him’/the 3rd SA. ok and so yeah last time I was at the bar I saw ‘his’ friends. I saw them back in March too at the store. [it was St. Patrick’s Day, actually. that was when Evan and I had our 1st date]. That was the not so good part of the night. oh I mean the night I was at the bar last. that night. I went over to watch 2 guys play pool not realising 1 of them was ‘his’ friend. and he – the friend – told me "well you haven’t changed that’s good". um actually yes yes I have. I mean how could you *not* after something like that? I was vague when telling the friend where I’d lived he asked where on Monaco and I said "I don’t know". [yeah like I’m really going to tell my r*pist’s friend exactly where. cmon!]. 

um. and then later that night the girl, his other friend, told me I looked great. I thanked her. well I should hope so, after that. and I damn well better look at least good.

really, I’d feel awkward telling them what happened. er well not that I tell most people. but esp. them. and since it’s been almost a yr.

When it got to be too much that night the night I was at the bar last, I went out onto the smoking balcony for a couple mins. and just sat there. the cold was still which helped. my coat was inside.

so. there’s that.