09/21/2011

Saw the Lion King yesterday. In regular 2d not that fancy 3d crap.

It was better than I remember. Seriously. Mom and I were pretty much the only ones there. A couple with two kids sat a few rows behind us, that’s it. Sang along to all the songs, and remembered saying half the lines over and over as a kid.

"Danger? Ha. I laugh in the face of danger. HA HA HA HA HA"

The reason Snowflake called me Happy Pants came back. I wiggle like a puppy when I’m happy. And I was happy. Love that movie. So much awesome-ness it’s hard to contain it.

Got some vitamins at the store. Standard daily multi-vitamin, and a super b-complex one. Apparently B-Complex will help with my bipolar. Also going to look into downloading a thingy for the computer that automatically adjusts the lighting depending on the time of the day. And getting some amber tinted glasses that block all the blue light wave lengths. There’s some research on dark therapy and bipolar. Trying to read up on it all, and figure out a good way to cope with it.

I don’t want to spend the rest of the life on daily medication to keep my moods stable. If I end up getting back to where I was before I started the medication then I’ll go back to the doctor. Otherwise, I want to try to cope with it in a good way without resorting to meds. I rather take vitamins daily, keep a daily record of my activites/mood/everything, meditation, proper sleep, all that shit. It’s a good thing to do anyway I would think, so if it helps my moods than I’m even better.

The meds worked, don’t get me wrong, it was wonderful to not have the swings, and all that. But I still had attacks, and it’ll never be fully controlled on medication anyway. There will always be times where it’s just too much for the medication.

Plus do I really want to take pills twice a day, every single day, for the rest of my life? Just so I can behave in a manner that society deems "normal"? Not really. I am who I am. My quirky-ness is just as much a part of who I am as my blue eyes. The destructive parts are what is bad. Being in a position that I could harm myself or others. That’s the real problem. The crippling depression, the spinning out of control mania, that’s the issue. Keep that under control and the rest isn’t so bad ya know.

I think I can do this. It’s just hard. Hard to keep the voices quiet and calm. I tend to have mixed episodes, where I’m depressed and yet manic at the same time. Racing thoughts, going so fast I can’t keep up sometimes, thoughts that are dark and cold. And it’s so hard to sleep when your brain won’t shut up. Lack of sleep triggers the mania, so then you’re even worse off. Knowing it though is the key to keeping it under control.

I think that’s the whole key to all of this. Knowing myself. Knowing my triggers, knowing the early warning sings, knowing how to safely cope with the swings, knowing how to express properly what I’m feeling, and allowing the emotions to happen. I bottle up everything until I can’t keep it in anymore. Not healthy. I have to allow myself to be sad, or scared, when I feel it. And deal with it.

I can do this.