04/07/2011 **edit**
I had a really good opening in my head yesterday, but now I don’t remember. I need to learn to write this kinda stuff down.
I should have actually scribbled out a bit of what I want to talk about. Everything is just swimming around in my head with no clear flow. My jumbled circular thoughts may make sense to me but I doubt they will to anyone else.
Maybe I just won’t say anything until my father gets home today. We’ll know then. Fuck it, if I’m tempting fate it’s not like I can really make it any worse.
Let’s go back a bit shall we, how I kept saying we have to move out by May 1st ’cause our lease is up, and how my father won’t give us a real answer as to what we’re doing. Still there but to an extreme. Today there is a meeting at father’s job. Pretty sure they’re all going to get laid off starting May 1st, or so father says. No work coming in, no money coming in, no hope for anything in the near future.
My father in his infinite genius apparently only has like $4000 in savings. Mhm, that’s it. I spent yesterday morning adding up all the bills he pays. Rent, electric, car payments, insurance, food, cigarettes, all that. He makes roughly $5000 a month, about $1200 a week. The bills total about $4800. That’s not including medications, eating out, him going to the races, all that kinda stuff. So really he makes just enough to break even every month, if that.
Now see a couple years ago he said he had enough in savings to last for three or four months before we’d need to use the credit cards. Now where in the world did all that go? In the what two years, three at the most since he said that 20 grand just upped and walked off? I don’t know what to think.
His new "plan". I can’t even call it a plan without rolling my eyes and heaving a disgusted sigh. He’s going to stick my mother and I in a camper (oh god please kill me now I hate confined spaces), while he pops on off to NY to spend the summer racing with his brother. Mom and I will work and take care of everything and when he’s done pretending he’s a high school kid on summer vacation he’ll come home.
Alright I’m all about men and women don’t have roles, it’s not fair, and all that other shit… BUT… he chose to get married, have children, be the sole provider for this household my entire life. He doesn’t get to just say ‘fuck it I don’t wanna do this no more’. My mother has rarely worked, a little part time at best. Just for her own amusement, ya know, give her something to do.
Couple this with the fact that he’s impossible to be around. He’s the definition of an asshole. Everything is my fault somehow, or my mother’s. He is always yelling, screaming, getting into a huge fuss over the smallest thing. I can’t remember the last time I’ve talked to him that I didn’t feel angry, sad, all frought with tension. Half the time I just want to punch him in his face until he’s bleeding and then kick him a few times for good measure.
The other week he actually got me so emotional that I snuck off to my room crying like a little girl. He made me feel so horrible about myself, that I was actually believing it was my fault. That all the worlds problems were my fault. I looked at the bottles of medication on my TV and prayed for the balls to just do it. Everything would be better and then I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I ended up shaking, shivering (in my 80 some degree bedroom), freezing, chokingly sobbing. I kept thinking if I could just leave, I had enough for one way ticket somewhere. Pack up a bag and just go, leave, never come back. Managed to actually pass out from it all. I didn’t realize I was asleep until I woke up and it was getting dark out.
Part of me in a way blames my mother. I can’t just leave her here to deal with him, she wants out as much as I do. I told her we should just go to her mothers for the summer at least. Leave him here, he can do what he wants. But she doesn’t want to go back up there. But I can’t stay here with him. I can’t. It’s killing me.
**edit**
No need to wait for him to get home. Got a call already from him. Everyone is laid off except him and the office bitch, and they’re only around until May 1st to finish up the last of the paperwork ends.
So it’s officially, no one in my house works. And we’re mighty fucked.
Truthfully I’m thinking about getting smashingly drunk at the moment. Except I haven’t really eaten in… well I can’t really remember the last time I actually ate a meal. A few chips here, or a quick sandwich there, but I haven’t had a full meal in days. I’ve been smoking nearly two packs a day. And I can barely keep my hands from shaking I’m so weak and just icky feeling. Wait now I remember, Monday night I ate dinner but within a half hour I threw it up. My stomach is in knots so bad I just can’t really keep anything down. I also haven’t slept more than four hours a night either.
**end edit**