04/02/2011

Found out I can cycle wicked bad when I miss doses of my meds. I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m just really bad at forgetting things. I mean if I can forget to eat then it’s not hard to believe that I can forget to take the little while pills that keep me same.

The other day I manic. I was being really stupid. Blowing through yellow lights, my heart racing, looking in the mirror for flashing blue and reds. Didn’t get pulled over. Was so far in my head that some chick at the beginning of algebra class talked to me and I just looked up and kinda nodded not even knowing what she said. Finally dawned on me that I wasn’t behaving normally. I was twitchy, hands shaking, thoughts racing, thinking about ditching and going off. Luckily the prof came in and I was kinda stuck.

Went home since my humanitites class was canceled. Napped, and then there were storms blowing in, so I blew off Bio. Stupid fucker. I did email her claiming I’ve been getting migraines on and off (which I have, another side effect of skipping doses I think). She was all "I’m glad you send me a note. I worry when you’re not there". Ain’t that cute?
Spent the night wide awake throwing a tennis ball in the air while watching The Nanny.

Got up yesterday feeling like someone killed my dog. Yeah, cycling bad. Mom forced me to go to Walmart to get my paychecks. I had $17 in my bank account and $8 in cash in my pocket. So needed the money. Went in and it went decent enough. The customer service manager lady asked where I went and I just shrugged. She said if she knew she would have pulled me up front with her. Well, that’s nice to know now. Got my checks, went around the parking lot and deposited them in my bank. Then we went to a real estate agent place and picked up a list of the foreclosures in the area. We can’t find anything to rent, so maybe just buy a cheap place and deal with it later ya know? We have pets, we smoke, three vehicles, a motorcycle, and a boat. Everyone is all no pets, no smoking, two parking spaces or no boat parking on property, yada yada yada.

Found one really sweet house. It was reduced down to 80K, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, 1 car garage, sweet backyard with a koi pond (could put my turtles in there!). Called the real estate agent. Yesterday someone put a bid in. But he’d call us if the credit approval stuff doesn’t go through. Day late and a dollar short. So I’m in a funk. There’s no where to go. We have to be out of here May 1st. We have no where to go. Got a letter from unemployment that we found out I was/am working at Walmart. Not like I was getting money from them anyway, but still I filled out the form.

Dad came home so I asked for a stamp. He asked why, I told him. Then we went off on me, yelling how I fucked up and shit. I know I fucked up, there’s no need to yell at me and belittle me to make me feel like an ant has for worth than I do. I ignored him until he went to his room. So I went to my room.

Curled up in a ball and just cried for a good hour. I can’t keep doing this with him. I can’t keep dealing with him yelling and screaming all the fucking time. How he’s so good at making me feel like I deserve to be dead I don’t know. For a good ten minutes I looked at the vicoden, the high dose sedatives, my normal pills, and wondered how many would make me OD. Which just made me cry harder because it’s not some school bully that’s make me think about it, it’s my own father. Then again I wasn’t in a sane headspace to begin with but… still. Finally fell asleep in my 80 degree room, and I was shivering and freezing.

Woke up, got Mom from her room, cause I can’t brave him by myself. No one really talked, finally Mom and I went to get dinner. No one really talked all night. Just sat with this cloud of anger, sadness, desperation all over the place.

Not sure what today will bring. If I didn’t have school I would have bought the cheapest one way ticket to CT, packed a bag and got to the airport. I was ready to leave. I just have no where to go. No family, no friends. Demon is friends with Dad and who knows what side he would be on. The BFF lives with her family and it’s a disaster and I would never be able to stay there. I’ve got no one. There was no one to call to say "I feel like shit, can I come over and just sulk on your couch?" No one. Nothing. Not even someone to text going:
"how many vicoden do I need to OD?"
"Probably like 10, but you’ll throw up before you kill yourself and just feel like shit"
"oh, true, nevermind then."
"glad I could help 😀 now tell me what’s wrong? did you stub your toe? i know how bad that is, but you’ll get threw it. just breathe"
"cue all random song lyrics that have ‘just breathe’ in them"
"and that one faith hill song that’s if i could feel you breathe"
"ugh no sappy shit"

Today needs to be a better day. Making up fake text convos at least makes me feel a little better.