It’s a long tough road sometimes…

Surprised much?

It’s been awhile and I would put that down to trying to get comfortable, being busy and my mind being in a thousand other places than journal writing. I guess it’s true, you do have to have some juices flowing to get words on paper (or on a screen in this case). Testament to my absense, photobucket has erased my account and my OD journal was lying like a thousand year old book with it’s pages frayed and blowing in the wind.

Today I’m tired. I’ve been tired awhile but today I’m really tired. It has nothing to do with sleep… I seem to be sleeping well but waking lethargic. Most days I’m great, happy and laughing but something happened today and I just can’t shake the "sad’s."

I have a bung neck. I jarred it one day and the owchies just haven’t subsided. I need a new pillow (one of those expensive numbers that moulds to you) because I think that’s half the problem.

Jimmy is all kinds of out of sorts today. He’s not been like this in awhile but when he is the whole family is affected. I feed off his moods and when he’s fighting some inner beast I feel it. I’m not quite sure how to stop that but I have a feeling that we’re very "enmeshed" as a couple and this jsut means we sense the other’s emotions. I tired to make today better but I think it’s simply something he needs to find a way out of himself. I’m resolving to just stay out of his way. The more I spend trying to work it out, the more futile it seems.

The root of his issues is that he’s deploying in 5 months and has a billion things to "complete" to prepare for it. He hates that he’s lazy and unmotivated to work out and yet he hates that he’s "overweight." I’m much the same but unless you’re prepared to be accountable for it then you have no reason to bitch. I’m well aware I’ve not been doing my fair share in terms of being super healthy so I feel like being all miserable is just wasted time. Yes, I’d like to lose some weight before the "wedding" (June 26th) but if I don’t them I’ll only have myself to blame.

Running the family daycare is the absolute pits. I thinkeveryday I hate it more and more. I’ve spent so many hours calling Nursing boards and colleges to see what I can do to work out my educational deficit and it’s all falling into the dead end wall of an alleyway at the moment. Not that I could study even if I wanted to. I’m still sitting on a B2 visa and with the divorce unlikely to be resolved until (almost) the date of the wedding, I’m just as likely to be here for the next few months. I feel if I am able to prepare myself so that everything will slide neatly into place, I’m better off which is why my search continues.

I turn 31 in a few weeks and it’s almost a frightening revelation. 31? Where in heavens did time go? I know for certain I don’t want to get to 41 and not be able to remember the preceeding 10 years so I’d better get off my arse and do something!

I miss Australia. I know when I was there that I wanted to be here but I don’t think I’d thought seriously about not having my friends and family around. I get worried that I’m just going to be "stuck here" when Jim deploys and it’s a rather scary thought. I’ve made a few friends… No one that I would say comes even close to my peeps back home, but girls’ I can meet up with for coffee. That’ll do for now. can’t ask for much, I don’t out the time and effort in. People here can be oddly annoying. Nobody phones one another… it’s always text messages and e-mail. I find that odd and it’s not something I’ve gotten used to. I guess in the same way I’ve stopped calling people. I’m sick of hearing "anyway, better go… minutes…"

Ugh. Minutes. Whatever.

So I really must try and update more often. Must try and update when I’m in a good mood instead of making everyone think I’m flat and blue and unhappy. I love Colorado, jut wish I had more to look forward to on a daily basis instead of "another day."

So i’ll wrap this up because I’m probably going to send you all to sleep.

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