To you… and you and you….

It’s still hard to believe that it’s now 3 weeks since returning from NY.
I suppose it has sped by, but not without many sad, sad feelings. Reliving my elation and bliss at being with him and finally having to say goodbye (probably too quickly) at JFK brings me up and then takes me down again… That’s right, I’m "down on the upside."

I remember him asking me not to leave. God did that ever make me cry…
I didn’t want to you know? Not at all.
In fact I can hardly think of anything I wanted more than to just stay. Proves that I must still have some rational thinking going on upstairs because as hard as it was to finally say bye (and anticipating it was nothing compared to actually leaving) I kept thinking about what we need to make the future a better place for both of us.
It came down to this:

* I needed to get my kids. He can’t live without his and I can’t live without mine. It’s a hard thing to describe and it kinda makes me laugh. They drive you nuts, challenge every part of your authority, disrespect you, cause you heartache and make you go through 26 different emotions in the space of 5 seconds BUT then they do something that makes your heart melt… or you go away and miss them so intensley you vow never ever to yell at them again (this doesn’t last I assure you) and you realise that they are your heart and your soul and you would breathe for them if you could…. SO I had to go home to get them if nothing else…

*You know… for all the reasons I came home it’s gotta be the prospect of a wonderful life (with the love of my life)with a wonderful job and a fantastic partnership that urges me on.
None of these things is possible if I don’t pull my finger out and finish the year at Uni. I owe myself this opportunity after 5 long, long years of study and much heartache with no money.
I could have stayed as a Mortgage Broker in an office, possibly even be Manager now with a kick-ass salary and fancy benefits like a company car and a corporate credit card but WOULD I have met J? Would I be happy? Would I be moronic (manic) and intellectually challenged? Would I lack inspiration adn stimulation?
Probably.
I owe it to him because I know he deserves a loving partner who loves him completely and without reservation. One that is happy and content, one that doesn’t want to change anything and one that can contribute and be independant and help the partnership to realise goals (whether that be a little house near the beach in NJ or a house close to his wonderful family in TX)…
So many things to see and experience as a family with our very own little Brady Bunch…

*I could leave… Leave now and go back to the US… Stay for 3 months and then toddle into Canada and come back into the US for another 3 months. Hell I could do that on repeat for god knows how long!
How long could I stay there when I finally DID apply for a visa though?
Ppppfftttttt *blows raspberry*
We all know immigration… there ain’t no rush on nuthin kids.
So waiting, getting divorced, seeing him through his (and being as supportive as can be) as well is sensible (even if it makes sense to only us) seems to make more sense despite the length of seperation.

Anyhoo…

*Then I get home and I realise I’m here… but it’s not really home. Sure, it’s my country but home is so much where your heart is….your love is and mine was left back in NY. I figured though that since I’d travelled so damn far to firstly get there and then get home that I should at least give the whole ‘seperation’ thing a trial run.
Well, we’ve already determined that that sucks MAJOR ass.
I hate it as much as I’ve ever hated anything in this world. I have never felt so alone, so out-of-whack and so totally vulnerable in all my life. The feelings, the emotions… it’s all just too fucking hard.

I’ll tell you why…

You know he loves you. No one can fake those sort of emotions… You plan life out and you get excited at the prospect of being with one another for forever… There’s no two ways about it, you just KNOW he loves you… But the conscience is a tricky thing and when your emotions are raw and broken down into atomic form then you realise that everything and anything makes you susceptible to jealously and crazy, insane thoughts. You become overly sensitive… Something as silly as an SMS missing the "I love you" to diary entries not having you in them. No joke… I’m not just kooky, I’m downright nuts. In my heart of hearts I KNOW I don’t need an SMS or a diary entry to say "I miss you, I love her/you" because shit, we say that 137 times a day on the phone to one another… but still… there is something about it that just makes you WANT it… I’m not completely caught in the trip waire though, I DO know that these things are for the individual and that there should be no pro-forma on what is written. That’s just nonsense… but try telling that to the devil on my shoulder.

(Hey Dirk? He needs to be burned and hurt REAL bad!!!)

Eh… If I could explain it better I would. I promise I would.
I can’t even imagine how it must be for him to know that I’m here and living where I am. I’m sure it drives him downright insane and honestly… if it didn’t absolutely HAVE to be this way then it wouldn’t. I’d be out like a rabbit with it’s ass branded (I kid you not) but the alternative means no stable home for the kids, not enough money for food, me possibly having to quit uni and absolutely NOT having any money to see him.
So, for now? It just HAS to stay the way it is… He knows that but it still doesn’t make the jealousy subside. Hell… I worry about so much and I feel like an absolute fool in the meantime but sometimes you only truely feel safe in the arms of your beloved and when those arms are 10,300 miles away you occassionally have no choice but to fuck around with the thoughts in your head, accept the tears and then KNOW you will feel better when you hear his voice on the other end of the phone…

*I’ve cried nearly everyday. 21 days. I won’t say that’s always been marathon crying sessions (although NYE was a whopper of 5 hours) but if I stop what I’m doing, get sidetracked and think then it’s almost impossible not to shed some tears. It’s inconceiveable for people who haven’t been in an LDR (long distance relationship) and I get so many people that just DON’T get it… I’ve given up trying to explain. I want him and only him. Can you not see this? Can you not feel the pain that I feel that he’s not around? That I can’t cry into his shoulder and laugh with him? All those things others take for granted has been taken away from me, for crying and laughing on the phone will never never be the same.

I could seriously go on like this for pages and pag

es. I’m neurotic to the point of god knows what… I’m accepting (slowly) that my mind is completely seperate to my brain and that I have NO control over that so I just need to stop being such a dweeb.

I do all this why? Because I love a man that lives on the other side of the world.

He completes me in no way that I could describe (because it’s all in my heart and I don’t think heart’s can be explained – we’ve been trying for years) and I love him so intensely that the feelings, the emotions, the crazy crazy inbetween bi-polar, schizoid, borderline insane kook that takes over my mind and body is worth it.
 I take one look into his brown eyes and my heart beats triple time,
my legs go weak and i’m sure my liver turns to a jelly like mush.
I snuggle up next to him and I feel whole…
…complete and peaceful like nothing else.

He is my one and only and that means forever folks.
Forever and always.

My 2007 will be interesting. I’m gonna try and soak up my last year here… Spend lots of time with wonderful, precious friends like Marisa (you have shown me friendship beyond anything I have ever experienced sweetie) and many others and try not to regret anything…

I want to be happy and laugh and know that 2007 was a time to reflect as important, trying and hard but also as wonderful, special and fun.

Will you help me?

Ever your adoring Vee.