With Every Last Ounce of Strength….
Today’s weigh-in: 110.8 lbs (I’m writing this as of the 19th at 4:30 AM. So everything I say means yesterday the 18 and the day before that, the 17th).
I got down to 109.8 lbs yesterday(the 17th) but got really dehydrated and drank and then figured if I drank I might as well eat. So I did just that and then BAM, weight goes up. Then, on top of that, I went out to eat tonight (the 18th) with my husband after scarfing down pizza at work, so I’m actually 114.1 lbs as of last night (the 18th) at 9:00 P.M.
So I had a bit of a run-in with my husband last night (the 17th). TMI warning ahead, just an FYI.
When I binge and purge, I drink a lot of pop. Diet, of course, but I allow myself two pops MAX if I am binging and then going to purposely purge afterward. Well I did that, I drank two pops while binging and then when my husband was in playing a computer video game, I purged it all back up until I tasted stomach bile. I usually flush the toilet twice when I do this just to make sure I clear all my tracks. Well, last night, I was in a haze from not eating all day and then scarfing crap down so I wasn’t thinking clearly, more on that later. I told myself I’d flush once and wait while I stopped panting and sweating and feeling dizzy afterward to flush again. I forgot to flush the second time. And I realized that a second too late.
My husband went in to use the bathroom. As he was lifting the toilet seat, that split second, I remembered I didn’t flush. And he said, ” Did you just throw up in here?!?!” As calmly and as sincerely as I could, I lied. It’s the first reaction I do EVERY time I’m confronted with anything eating disorder related! I told him I had not, I had the runs. He totally didn’t buy it, and I know it. We exchanged the same dialog for a few minutes with me saying I was sure I wasn’t lying, yes I am sure I had the runs, and then he said well it looks like spit and food in here. It was. Because I didn’t flush it all away. So today I went out with him to a restaurant and ate and came home and regretted seeing 114.1 lbs on the scale due to me not purging it back up again. Now I have to really watch myself.
You have no idea how BADLY I want to just tell him I’m back to puking and starving myself. But there’s a stronger voice in me that says to protect myself and my “secret”, the “secret” I’ve been hiding since I was purge free a year on October 11, 2012 and now I’ve been returning to old ways since that day, possibly before. The voice is so much stronger now too. To preserve the secret and to protect it at all costs. It’s maddening. BUT at the same time I want to tell him I need help. I’m POSITIVE he can see the weight loss, I KNOW he can. I was 131 lbs when this all started and now I’m 110 lbs, heck I even have two co-workers that see the difference, and my own husband has not said anything or even noticed and I believe that he has and just won’t say anything about it. That too is maddening.
Speaking of comments, my co-worker, and co-teacher, Diana (I work in a childcare facility with three to four year old’s, 16 children in our class), has been out sick since last Tuesday and she came back and even asked if I was losing weight because I looked “leaner”. She came back on Friday, yesterday. And had been out since Tuesday the 15th. I know i didn’t lose THAT much weight in that time if I lost anything. Then another co-worker, who left the childcare facility because she found another job and became pregnant came in to see us all and she said I looked way skinner, had I lost weight? To that comment I immediately said YES. I won’t be seeing her much so it’s okay for her to know. But the co-workers and family that see me everyday, I protect my weight loss like a child.
So I mentioned I haven’t been thinking clearly. I haven’t. Usually I am very sharp with my mind and can remember everything. Now my mind is in a mush. I’m manic all the time, can’t sleep (which I think has a lot to do with not thinking clearly) and I have awful side effects of either not sleeping well or the purging at night. By mid-afternoon, I am just dragging a long. Morning and late afternoon I have another run in with mania (I’m bi-polar with manic episodes, and heavily medicated), but by mid-afternoon I can’t think. I become dizzy as all heck, I’m dragging down with tiredness, and it’s difficult to breathe and I also have heart issues where it feels like it’s taking everything it has to continue to pump. Plus when I bend down and stand back up, I seriously just about black out EVERY time. It doesn’t matter if I stand up slowly either. Its starting to scare me and concern me. And usually when I don’t feel like normal, I tell my husband, but this time I know my symptoms are all signs from my purging and mania. So, like I said earlier, I’m trying to protect it. With. Every. Last. Ounce. Of. Strength. I. Have.