End of a Year
Today’s weigh in: 113.3 lbs
I’m not sure if I am happy it’s the end of another year or apprehensive that a new year is approaching. It might be a bit of a mix.
For one, this new year will mark exactly 10 years struggling with an eating disorder. I had been sent to Partial Day Inpatient Treatment in Rochester, New York, once in my life time dealing with this eating disorder. Other then that I have been in therapy, only starting this year I stopped going back in September when I had the second surgery on my ankle. But I was still struggling then, but really didn’t want to go to therapy because I really didn’t like my therapist when being compared to the previous one. Plus I figured I wasn’t benefiting.
I’m glad this year is ending, but know in my right mind, nothing is going to change in the New Year. My husband will remain distant and withdrawn, either he is not aware I’ve been purging since October, or he knows and really refuses to say anything about it. Nor can he see the weight loss. Or the vast amounts of food missing every day. He must be blind or really doesn’t care I’m self destructing. My parents will remain strictly attached to my brother and bidding to his EVERY need and will even without him asking them to. Yes, the brother that sexually abused me for, strangely enough, 1o years of my early life. My brother who physically abused me as well as sexually. My brother that blames all his wrong doing on OTHERS rather then fessing up and admitting he is at fault. My brother that would like us, him and I, to start a relationship up in the New Year because HE is afraid we won’t talk when our parents pass on. Yeah, that brother. I have no urge to carry on, rather start a relationship with him. At all. And I think I have every right to feel this way. He has never ONCE said he was sorry and MEANT it. NEVER. He doesn’t realize that I cannot even look at my husband and not think of the abuse. I cannot be intimate with my husband without reflecting on my brother. And my brother has been married four times. Has had two children with wife number 3 and is currently trying to get wife number 4 pregnant. I’m SO happy he can have sex with any woman and not think of the abuse he imprinted into my mind and I’ve been married a grand total of ONE TIME and can’t even have sex with the man I am married to now. I can’t do it without thinking the first kiss I received was from my brother, the first time I saw a male part was my brother’s. It’s sick. It really is. And it has left lasting harmful impressions in my mind that will NEVER go away. And my parents?????????? They knew! They KNEW!!!! But because they didn’t want to lose the family unit, told me to lie to the DCFS agents that came to our house when I was in 5th grade. So I lied because I didn’t want to disappoint my Mom or Dad, and because they, at that time, lied to me and said both my brother and I would be taken away from them to a really bad home. So yes, I lied about the truth that I was desperately trying to get SOMEONE to notice and the abuse from my brother continued even after that event happened. It wasn’t until I was raped when I was 16 years old by gun point by my very first boyfriend, whom I met online and at the time he created a false name, address, and number, and my life came crashing down again. Before then, my brother had never really gotten inside me, but this ass did and took whatever innocence I had left. Then I waited two whole weeks before telling my parents and then I told them that my brother has been doing the same thing up until I was 14 years old. They got mad at the boyfriend and were really ticked at me for waiting so long to tell them. But they never confronted my brother…not EVER. It was a non-issue even when I told them then. So, as you can tell, my enthusiasm for change is not very high. Especially when it concerns my parents.
My 30th birthday is approaching on the 7th of January, but because of events going on we are all celebrating it on the 5th at a restaurant called The Melting Pot. It’s a fondue place. Why I picked a really nice restaurant where I will gorge myself and them vomit is beyond me. Or maybe I won’t vomit. I can go a day without doing so, heck I went a whole year before! I made a pact with myself that I would never see the age of 30. Well, guess what….I too, apparently, can make useless pacts. Here I am facing the age of 30. Yay.