Bipolar with Mania
So I was diagnosed, back when I was 14 years old, with bipolar disorder with mania. I’ve never experienced a period of time when I was hugely depressed. I believe everyone gets depressed at times, but in my case, with bipolar, one needs to hit both highs and lows of the spectrum. I however hit way way above the spectrum with mania that i cannot control. I have periods of high energy and fast paced activities I engage in and then I become a moody, pissy, grouchy person. Mean, more like it. For example….I cooked a Chicken Ranch Pasta dish for dinner compliments of Pinterest and i was happy doing so and very energized about it. My husband called telling me he was on his way coming back from a church service (he is a Pastor), and I immediately became very irritable and mad. Pissed, so pissed in fact that I didn’t eat any dinner. Normally I would and then immediately purge, but I became so, in fact, pissed, about him coming home and being late at that, that i refused to touch the food, lying so that I told him I ate before he came home. The whole time he was coming in the house i was stewing over how pissed I was at him. I don’t know exactly why I become like this. I will also do this coming home from my job where I am a three to four year old teacher of a daycare class of 16 students. I will be driving home and BAM, when I walk in the door I become the biggest grouch, B!TCH, and be pissed at everyone and everything. Something switches in me. I just forget that i was happy and become a huge pissed off person and for absolutely no reason. The same can be said about church mornings. I’ll be looking forward to church and once i get there, I am pissed at everyone and even replying to someone with a Hi I have to say it with gritted teeth so I don’t verbally bite their head off for even looking at me. Ugh! It’s like a light switch and the mood switch happens as fast as you can turn off a light switch from on to off.
The mania is somewhat controlled. I am on a slew of heavy duty drugs to keep the mania under control but it isn’t. I thrive on being manic. I can get SO much done and everything is so BRIGHT and CHEERY and FAST and WONDERFUL. I never see any grey. I see only, ONLY, black and white. Hence me seeing ONLY FAT OR THIN. No in between. I am right now FAT… not THIN, FAT. I will consider myself FAT until I hit below 100 lbs. Then, and only then I might be fat not FAT. I don’t know when I will actually be THIN or thin. I know this makes absolutely no sense….to normal people. It makes a load of sense to me.
If I am not on my medicine I go off my rocker and become a mania induced psychotic babbling person. I make no sense and i have not much recollection of being in my body. I see myself from above the floor watching myself from above, when I am manic. When I first got married, in 2006, I went off ALL my medicine cold turkey. I spent the next week in a manic episode where my husband remembers everything i did and finally called my parents where upon seeing me, hauled my ass to the psych ward. I was told I did laundry OVER AND OVER again and began speaking my own language, one of which only I understood. I neither ate or drank, passed bowels or urinated, never slept…I was a mess. When I came to in my right mind in the psych ward, I was beyond pissed. I had NO idea WHERE I was and WHY I was in a room BY MYSELF. I was pissed….not scared, not sad, not angry….PISSED.
Since then, the pissed mood resembles me being the pissed person I was when I came to at the psych ward. I cannot verbalize how angry and mad I become. I had, at one point, become so pissed/angry/mad that I began crying uncontrollably….simply because I could not put on a bracelet. It’s the little things that do that to me.
I just took pain pills and a prescription drug for anti-inflammatory. My lower back has been killing me as well as my pelvic region, coincidentally where my pelvic kidney is located and the same kidney that was lacerated in the accident I haven’t drunk anything all day and haven’t eaten either so I haven’t even peed. Probably not good.