Every Day is a Reminder
Today’s weigh in: 116.9 lbs
I had the Orthopedic doctor yesterday for my ankle. There’s a bulge forming behind my calf where he stretched my Achilles’ tendon during the surgery on September 7th. I thought it might be worth him looking at. He did and he said the muscle is forming back there. He is impressed with the way my ankle is moving, my range of motion, and my flexibility. We are going to try some Physical Therapy on it because i am walking on it all wrong. I walk on it towards the lower right back of the heel. I stomp on it and never really roll from heel to toe. He’s worried I might learn how to walk like that completely and do more damage then good. So I will be going to physical therapy once they call me and schedule.
I know I’ve written about it before, but it’s so very hard to let this ankle of mine not get the best of me. I feel the pain of it everyday and it always makes me think of the car accident. ALWAYS. I cannot forget it no matter how hard I try. I continually think about what I could have done differently then to get into the car tired and fall asleep. It’s a daily thought and a daily reminder.
Maybe that’s why I struggle with eating and keeping things down inside. I eat my feelings and then throw them up again so I don’t feel. Or I restrict to the point of passing out because I’d rather not feel anything. No guilt….nothing. Maybe my eating disorder is my punishment for feeling all these feelings of guilt every damn day of my life. My eating disorder is my guilt trip. I use the reasoning that the pins in my ankle don’t need the extra weight on them. But we all know, even me in my right state of mind, that that is not true and that the eating disorder is part of something much more complex then I could ever imagine.
I know part of the eating disorder has to deal with my early child hood trauma of my brother sexually molesting me until I turned 14 years old. But even before then I used food as an escape. I know i was real sensitive to it. Like not touching things and not eating or eating too much. It started way way back when. I’ve always been picky or eating everything in sight. It wasn’t until after I flunked out of college that I learned I could throw it all up.
I’m just at a loss now. I don’t think therapy will help me, seeing as i am a product of therapy since I was 6 or so. Always had to go see someone. Never really trusting any adult at that age and to this day still don’t trust anyone.
I want to tell people close by me that i am suffering but I don’t know who to tell and if they’d listen. I’ve been struggling now since i was about 20 years old. I’ve had my disorder since 2003. So ten years. I’m almost 30. I thought I’d outgrown this by now. Guess not.
My mom, I know she means well, but has been a HUGE trigger to me. She went ahead and told several members of my church I have an eating disorder and blabbed it all out. But told them I had it under control (I do not). I was pissed she even told anyone. This is not the first time she has crossed this line. I don’t have healthy boundaries set up with her and I. So what i have been doing is not letting her in at all. I don’t talk to her as much as i used to and i don’t plan to talk to her much anymore. I’m totally isolating myself from her and my dad. I don’t want to do this because they are family, but I don’t like what she is saying and God forbid I tell her that. I don’t want to interfere with her feelings but I don’t want her saying anything to anyone. If i tell her not to she gets highly defensive. I know i don’t like it when she discloses information about me to anyone and she really shouldn’t be but she’ll use the excuse that she’s helping…."helping’. Not so. She’s making it worse. And she doesn’t even know it. And if i tell her to stop she’ll tell me I’m too sensitive and should just grow up.
Heck, my husband, who is a Pastor of our church, doesn’t even know i am suffering. I’ve been doing this since before October. I’ve hidden it this long. I mean, I’ve gone back to my eating disorder ways and all my little lies and tricks since before October and then I had the audacity to tell him I was purge free October 11th of this year when I wasn’t. See, I’m already lying. It’s not good, it really isn’t but I don’t know what else to do.