Struggling BIG TIME…*trigger warning*

*This entry may trigger.  Please be warned of what you may read!*

So October 11, 2012 I made it year purge free.  I’ve neglected to tell everyone that I made it to then, and that’s it.  The day the the cast came off for good, October 23, 2012 was the day I hit holy Hell, so to speak, and run rampant with my eating disorder. 

The highest I’ve weighed without the boot and cast was 131 lbs. exactly.  I am now down to 121. 7 lbs since October 24, 2012.  I’m not eating anything, literally ANYTHING, and ANYTHING I HAVE to eat I throw it up.  

I’ve been hesitant to say anything at all, even when recording things in my diary for fear of what might you all think of me.  I feel I am a really big failure at recovery right about now.  Granted I didn’t do anything right with regards to how to lose the weight, I IMMEDIATELY fell back on old habits to rid me of the weight gain.  I didn’t even try to eat healthy or exercise the RIGHT way, I just immediately went to throwing up/restricting. 

The only people in my daily life that know is a good friend from here (she used to write in her diary on here as well, now we just talk via facebook), and my new psychiatrist Dr. Underko.  I told the psychiatrist everything and he actually wants to put me on a pill that doesn’t affect weight gain at all, called Saphris.  He wants to take me off of Abilify AND Seroquel and put me only on Saphris and Zoloft only.  Saphris will not interfer with body weight gain and will help even out my blood sugar levels, too.  But we won’t do that until the end of January.

So, yes, I guess you could say I’m coming clean in my diary about struggling.  I haven’t self-harmed in ages, though I do believe Bulimia is a form of self harm.  I know I probably need help again, as I am seeing no therapist at all at the moment.  But again, I don’t think I NEED to see anyone at the weight I am at.  Logically speaking, that’s bullshit but that is how I feel.  I don’t think I need help either in that the fact that my husband knows nothing about this at all.  I told him I was losing weight but I didn’t tell him HOW or how MUCH I was losing it.  

I’ve gone back to being VERY sneaky and lying whenever I get the chance to cover up my behaviors.  I don’t like what I’ve become at all.  It’s not right, and seeing I went a WHOLE YEAR without the purging, I binged, I know, I KNOW, I can do it again. But do I want to?