remember bob dylan?

when was the last time i stayed up late to type an entry? over a year ago. before i was prego. and now i’m just trying to stay up late, so i can sleep in tomorrow, because i picked up late night hours this week. 10pm-8am. not really that excited, but SUPER excited to not have to see my boss for a week! sweet.

the news of the hour. or week. or month.

ive graduated again, with a degree that will get me nowhere, just like the last one. i really need to find myself. i can’t stand being 24 (nearly 25) and STILL not knowing exactly what i want to do. i know it takes years before people actually figure themselves out. i just don’t think i’m ever going to get there. i have no drive. no ambition. no yearn to succeed at ANYTHING. honestly i’m not even that proud of myself for graduating again. (and please don’t leave some sappy note about "you should be proud…etc) everyone told me i should go to the ceremony and walk to show that i have graduated. i didn’t walk last time either. i never really saw a community college as an accomplishment (even though i’m the first one in my family to graduate from college… much less doing it twice)if i was at a university with a meaningful degree then i would have been there. now. whatever. i don’t even see it as anything special.

i feel very emo right now.

been looking for a job. and NOTHING around here is open!!!!! i can drive an hour ONE WAY to get a job that pays a dollar more an hour than i make now… and i didn’t need a college degree to wipe ass.

i would like some advice though. what is a fun job that nobody ever thinks about having? around here, everyone is going to school to be a nurse. MAYO CLINIC runs SE MN. nobody gives a shit about anything else, and to be honest, i really don’t even know anything else. i do know that i don’t want to be a nurse and really don’t care if i work in the medical field at all. *random fact-my fucking hair wont stop falling out after having baby, and its inside my shirt and i hate it* second random fact * it’s june bug season again and i want to crawl out of my skin just thinking about them!*.///// i want to do something fun that i enjoy. if it’s my career i want to be having fun with it, not "working"…. does anyone ever really love their job?

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absolutely despise my job. more like i hate work altogether. i want a hobby.

string of facts.

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had a ladies night a couple weeks ago and have a random bone bruise on my shin that is still lumpy and hurts. got a little too wasted and apparently smoked a cigarette with amy. gave one to my sister because she told me i couldnt smoke, so i made her smoke one too. called my friend (whos not my friend anymore… going on 5 month old baby that hasn’t met lexa) and said mean random things to her… i guess? made amy sleep over. and called nick to "cover for her" even though he was sleeping and couldn’t care less if she came home that night…… and other random acts of dumbness while joe stayed awake from our loud craziness and took care of baby. *but to be fair, i have not had a night with just my friends in A LONG TIME. and joe hangs out with the band atleast once a week (had a battle of the bands last night, but they lost… i worked. and they apparently have a manager now. i’m married to the bass player and i don’t even know what’s going on. shows how often we talk!)

*possibly the key to strong marriages? never see each other????…. we work nearly opposite shifts and don’t need daycare. (even though my mom and his mom watch baby anyway)…sometimes i feel like he’s my roommate, not my husband. (which now thinking about it makes me sad…)

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band has been playing nearly every weekend. theyre not making any money, but have recently ordered shirts! which are super sweet! and they make enough money to order more shirts…. yeah.

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went to my first target field twins game! and it was on mother’s day, and we took baby with us. he did excellent. only whined when the game was nearly over. (twins won!)_ and slept most of the time.; joe made bear a "circle me bert" sign, and used a picture of sesame street bert instead of writing it. very cute! and totally my idea! we didn’t get circled though, but a foul ball came within 3 seats of joes grasp. (before we left my mom told me to leave baby with her cuz we "might get hit by a foul ball")… nearly true. came home and made burgers and chowed with my mom. pretty decent mother’s day. *totally love being a mom….* how many more times can i write "mom" in that paragraph?

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attempting to clean out the garage. me and echo started throwing out broken chairs. i rolled my ankle. which hasnt hurt all day but is starting to get sore now. probably going to feel it tomorrow. great. brought 2 bikes and 2 scooters to hibo for her son. (hibo may be the only thing i will miss about my job. i love her. she is awesome!) found my kitchen set from when i was little. it’s busted in half and i really just wanted to start crying when i saw all of the stuff that is out there that is ruined. my childhood. my brother and sisters childhoods, and some of my moms has been ruined from our stupidity. *then i stop to think that it is only "stuff" and memories are still more important than the possession.* but it still hurts to see it all rained on and turned to junk. most of it will have to be junked. kinda pissed. i just want to get it cleaned out and get connees life disconnected from mine. uggh. double uggh.

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mr. bear has grown so much in the last few months. he rolled over on the day he turned 4 months. i wasn’t even paying attention, and i feel so sad that i missed it. one second i look and he’s on his back, the next he’s on his belly. now he does it nonstop, but hasn’t figured out how to go back. he’s so frickin adorable, i want to just eat him up! apparently i make a pretty handsome kid. *smiley face* everyone at work has told me that i’ve changed a lot since he’s been born. i think i have more love in my body and it kills some of my negativity. of course not all of it. whats the fun in being happy ALL the time? it is just nice to not have to work so hard being mean all the time though. ha!

a kid saved my life. i know it. i was headed down the wrong path and ready to fuck up something (be it my marraige or my family) but something was going down. * i think about last march/april. i was horrible. my friends have SINCE told me that theyre glad i had to be sober for a year cuz 2008 i was drunk all the time and non of them liked me! how awesome to know youre not even liked by your friends cuz youre a lush. *and especially finding out a year and a half later?!*

peace. at peace.