it’s alive (scary voice)

my little cry baby has arrived. actually, he doesnt really cry that much, except he’s started fussing more in the last two days. kinda annoying.

 

his name is Bear Joseph, and is the cutest damn thing i’ve ever layed my eyes on. i never knew that i could love something so much the instant that it arrived. as soon as i heard him cry, i started bawling and knew instantly that i loved him more than anything i have ever loved in my life… 100 times more than joe. and i love joe more than life itself. every second i spend with him i want to explode with joy and love, and every part of my being is going to worship this little being for the rest of my life. i feel sorry for the other kids i have, cuz i don’t know if i can love them as much as i love him. they’ll have a lot of catching up to do.

he was born on 1/5/10 at 10:14pm weighing 9lbs and 20 1/2 inches. (fatty) but actually he shrunk before we went home, so his newborn clothes were loose on him. (which i was happy about, cuz i had a really cute outfit that i thought he wouldn’t be able to wear, but he did.

i went in on monday the 4th for a dr. appt. but the doctor noticed that i had high blood pressure and then they tested my urine and found protein and decided i was starting signs of preeclampsia, so they kept me. we didn’t have any of our stuff with us, cuz it was just a normal visit, and we figured that we would be back that friday to deliver, since i hadnt progressed any farther than i was 3 weeks before hand. i went to the admitting room so they could check me and make sure that i should be induced, and joe went home to get the bags and car seat. by 9pm on monday they had admitted us, and were starting a drug to open and dilate my cervix. by 3am i had slept about 1 hour, and then the contractions started to get mean. by 6am i was ready to punch someone. i had to take a shit, but the contractions were making it hard to do anything… i finally went, and then they started me on some pain drugs, which helped mildly. (before i went in, i was concerned with anything that would affect the baby, but after i felt the fucking pain, i decided drugs and epidural were a must if he was coming out of my body!). by noon i had the epidural, which fucking hurt like hell going in! i was having back labor and the anesthesiologist touching my back and digging in with her fingers made me wanna die… i bawled like non other. that was probably the most painful part of the day.

after the epidural was in, i was completely content, until 6pm when it quit working. i could feel my left leg, and the contractions on the left side of my body. my right leg was still numb, and i wasn’t progressing very far, despite being on pitocin. they gave me a button to administer my own drugs, but that still was doing nothing, so they decided to take it away because i was most likely destined for a c section and they didnt want me all drugged up. so from 7:30 until around 9, i wanted nothing more than to bawl. joe and his mom sat and talked and i sat and cried through each contraction–which never really stopped. the nurses all looked at my print out and said "wow, you never really have a break between contractions, do you?" by 9 they decided that i wasn’t going to progress any farther. i was stuck at 7 cm. (fitting for my 7 theory…) and they took me into c-section, which i was scared to death about!!! (but somewhere down inside i knew i would end up having a c-section, i don’t know how, but i just knew it)…..

once i got in the OR, they had to lift me onto the table, which is about 2 feet wide!!! and then i had to sit up so i could have a spinal block, since my epidural had quit working. but i was still mostly numb, so it was really hard to stay on the table, and try to sit up at the same time. after they had given me 3 NEW IV’s,  and finally got the spinal block in (about 20 minutes later) they layed me down and i was numb up to my armpits. probably the weirdest feeling ever. they started and joe came in. we ended up having the doctor that we didn’t want to have, another doctor, and a resident. nobody really said anything when he was born. the nurses said "daddy, stand up and see your baby" and then everything went on around me as if i wasnt even there. joe cut the cord, and they finally brought him over to me and i bawled and bawled and bawled.

*something you don’t hear about is the shaking involved with a c-section (or births in general)… why does nobody talk about that?! i was shaking so uncontrollably for probably 30 minutes– and joe said it kinda freaked him out. they said it was normal, but my jaw hurt so bad from clenching it shut. it probably didn’t help that i was butt ass naked in a room that was freezing. i had a blanket over my chest and arms, and the rest of me was open and frozen. THEN. they tell me that i have to carry him into the recovery room. i couldnt stop shaking and was afraid that i was going to drop him!!! (but i didn’t)

he went into the nursery for a while cuz he was breathing funny, and he had a low oxygen level, but it was because he didn’t get "squeezed through the birth canal" i guess it helps to empty their lungs……. so joe called him wheezy (like lil’ wayne)……….

he got better, i slept, joe slept (we finally got to our room at 3:30am!!!!!!!!) and then the doctors came in at 6 am to check me.

i didn’t have any morphine, cuz i was scared of that, so my only pain control was a button i was supposed to push myself. when i was sleeping (for 2.5 hours) i didn’t push it, so by the time the doctors came in to check my incision –and literally press all their weight onto it!– i was fucking dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLUS i had such gas pain that i hurt even more. (mostly the next day though) since they had cut all of my muscles to push out the gas, i couldnt fart, or poop, and was ready to stick my finger up my ass to let it all free!!!! (they offered me an enema, but i said no)……..eventually my pain was under control, i got rid of my IV and all my monitors, and they put me on oral drugs.

we had quite a few visitors, the grandmas came and lots of other people. (except my best friend alexa, who STILL hasn’t even called me, and he’s 3 weeks old today— i can’t even begin to express how hurt i am and extremely saddened from that….everytime i think about it i tear up and wanna bawl. i will never forgive her for this. it’s not like i have  a baby every day)

we got to come home on friday. (whatever day that was) and i’ve pretty much been here ever since. i don’t want to go back to work.

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bear has 2 new cousins (as of today). Ethan Robert Steven was born on 1/5/10 too… laura had him right after midnight, and we had bear almost the next day…. but it happened that we had them on the same day (but me and my brother were born on the same day too, but different years) and Caden Dale was born today 1/27/10–and it actually is my sister’s due date today.–i don’t know if she was induced or not, my dad wasn’t sure….

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i’ll have picture on the next entry.

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i love my family. my little happy family. i’m so glad that this happened. i can’t express my joy for the little man. i love joe even more now too. i’m not ready for anoth

er one, but i’m ready for the act that makes babies! haha. i was totally ready for sex less than a week after he was born!!!! but (another thing they don’t tell you_) i’m still bleeding! and i will actually wait the 6 weeks they recommend. : )

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peace and love to all.