deep within

 

I read Nectars note .. I must ring her and chat ..

I cried and cried ..

How .. why .. when .. what was it ..

As a kid I saw my Mum treat my Dad with respect , what ever he wanted , when and how..he was always number 1. He loved her , they were such a happy couple. She looked after him .. he always had ironed shirts , meals that he liked , food in the cupboard beer in the fridge.. he never wanted for anything ..

I grew up with this .. My only ever want was what they had .. I wanted a big family.. I always and only ever wanted to be a wife and have children. To look after my husband, have him look after me in return..

I put my ex husbands needs and wants before mine .. as with my childrens..then I started to resent them.

First the kids.. and that made me unhappy.. why did I not like them ? I still worked hard at being there for them , I was on every committee , every working bee , every sports day.. running forgotten lunches , uniforms, notes and money .. but the rest of the world was falling down around me .. I was spiralling into a depression.. Ian and I argued constantly .. he didn’t help with a thing .. and when he did it was a lick and a promise and I’d have to do it again .. he stood his ground on the outside stating that he hated to mow lawns and garden , so aswell as everything else I did that too .. and if I didn’t .. it turned to a jungle , that depressed me even more.

The turning point in our marriage was when he worked 4 days on 4 days off and on the 4 off he would go to Whangamata to work in a friends tyre shop to help him out.. that left me with 5 kids , 3 soccer teams, 2 schools, scouts dance class and everything else on top..

I left..

I had 3 months on my own .. 2 weeks of that in the States with Pam and her family. and I met who i thought was my soul mate .. we knew everything about each other .. I loved him. ( still do if I am truthful to myself)   I came back refreshed and renewed. but lacking in company ..

I was working at the school part time .. I took up study .. I met some people on the internet.. I had a ball… but when I met a guy that wanted to date me I snapped right back into mother mode. I did for him , I looked after him .. he was number 1.

He moved to Hamilton and looked for a place to live , he stayed with me for a bit and then he found a house and a girlfriend .. I was crushed .. MCC and I are firm friends now and I can call on him anytime for anything .. we work better as friends.

I met TOH .. we were just friends for a long time .. and FB’s for a bit .. he was a struggling single Dad.. I thought .. here was a man that needed me .. but the truth is .. he never needed me .. he is strong .. he is adaptable.. he does not share his feelings .. he was a taker.

He took from me .. my kindness,  my friends , my money , my time … he took so much of me .. I am left wondering who I am without him.

That was not a partnership of equality .. he was the boss and I fitted with whatever he wanted. If he wanted to go here .. even tho I wanted to go there .. we did what he wanted. because thats how I thought I was suppose to be.. that if I did what he wanted .. eventually I would get what I wanted.. but that never happened.

I looked back at my parents relationship .. Mum always did what Dad wanted .. but when did she get to do what she wanted .. ?? Never .. not until Dad passed away.

I remember times that I would invite her to her grandkids school play .. school sports , scout assembly some important time in  our lives .. if Dad didn’t want to go .. no one went. she would say .. yes that would be lovely .. we will be in then .. I’ll ask Dad to pop over .. then she would ring back and say .. sorry , we can’t come .. Dad has other plans.

When Dad passed away .. Mum acted free.. she went on trips .. she stayed with family .. she came into town for any reason .. she might even just pop in for lunch and stay the night .. she had no one to answer to.

So my behaviour of treating men as Number 1 ends with me being at the bottom of the pile ..

Is this what Nectar meant. ?

I even go as far as to tear this apart and see that I maybe was buying their love .. spending all my energy , time .. on them , trying to get the same back , and when I didn’t get the same in return , the affection I so deperately wanted , I did more .. and more . and if I got a little back .. I was happy.

If they disagreed with me , then I thought well I must be wrong .. so i’d change what i thought to fit them , but was never happy with that.

But then that was not just men .. I remember wanting so badly to be accepted by friends that when they said they didn’t like something .. I said I didn’t like it too .. just so they didn’t think I was a fruit..

I enjoy sex .. but none of my friends did .. they hated it .. so i pretended to be grossed out too..

Same with shoes , fashion , food , places to stay.. you name it ..I didn’t want to say .. hey I love sardines on toast for fear of being rejected.

now I am hitting nerves ..

I find I can just pour all this out ,, , I don’t need to keep this a secret, this is my downfall..

Kristine you are a wonderful person .. you nudged me in the right direction.. you hit the nerve. you opened my eyes.

Now for me to try and do something about it .. to make my own life story .. for me to be Number one in my thoughts..

whooooHooooo

TTFN..xox