its Thursday!!

this is my night to get out for a few drinks my day i look forward too all week, it usually pretty fun. HA i am sure that guy i have been talking about will NOT be there. He flipped out on me again, and I couldnt take that crap anymore, no man will talk to me that way. anyways he keeps posting stuff about his gf, oh wait he said he didnt have one….MAN i am good when i called it. He keeps posting b.s for me to see, AND? ANYWAY!! I wish someone else i knew would come hang out with me tonight, JUST TO HANG OUT AS FRIENDS, nothing wrong with that.

My son turned on cake boss again, ah it just makes me want to bake some more and work on more cakes lol….I want to open my own bakery but i know thats not gonna happen…so its a dream really……maybe my son will become a baker he seems to like it now and helps me out but then again he is only 3 they change there mind so much. 

Weighloss…yeah i am not sure what to do anymore…i work out i eat good not perfect but healthier and i havent been able to lose anything, i struggle so much I almost want to give up cause i feel like i am always trying, i was doing weightwatcher and that was working for awhile but then it kinda stopped or maybe i did…i know back  before i had my son i was diagnosed with PCOS but i havent had a problem with it since before my son. I was on medication too but they took me off that when i was pregnant with my daughter and didnt put me back on it, then i just stopped going to the doctor. My doc said with Pcos it can be harder to lose weight. idk any more, i am tired of the excuses, i also went to a dietian way back before too, yeah well that didnt seem to go well either, all well.

SO…i think my little sister who is 17 is cutting, the other day i noticed that she has some cuts on her arm i asked her about it and she said she got them from the cat however she had some scars the same arm, same type. I didnt drill her on it or anything just asked what had happen. She has issues, she is ADHD and they diagnosed her with bi-polar. She is supposed to be seeing a pysch doc but my parents cant afford it anymore, and i know that she has been trying to reach out to certain people, but that just upsets our dad because they are people who they dont really know he feels uncomfy and thinks they are judging, he doesnt believe in shrinks, thinks they put the ideas in your head and so on. I know she needs help and i feel so bad cause lately its like everyone is nit picking everything about her. I hate that….I hated when everyone did it too me too, I always felt like i wasnt good enough either and i was right where she was….except i did a better job hiding it.  My problem was that i would get so pissed off and I wanted to hurt someone anyone really bad, but i didnt want to be like my real dad, he beat my mom and I and i was just an infant, so instead i would hurt myself, I did that for a long time, then my boyfriend caught on and tried to help me stop it, yeah well if i couldnt cut i pushed and hit him, he took it too,when i was in high school my dad(the one that adopted me) said i was too fat to wear something instead of saying it was too tight, i cut my stomach a few time…i wasnt fat back then, but he sure made me think i was, i was what i want to be now. Thats probably why i have such an image problem. I never saw a doc about it until after my son was born, and i was told that i had postpartum depression. It was bad, anger was always building and i was afraid of getting too angry at my son and i didnt want to hurt him, at one point I wanted to kill myself because i didnt want to be a bad mother, and i thought he deserved someone better. and at the time everything was going wrong. My BFF had no idea this was all going on because she was supposed to be getting married and was involving herself in all of that, i had no one. It was kinda weird because my father in law was the one that noticed that something was wrong, and said something to my husband. Needless to say they got me help. i was put on meds and saw someone, well i thought that was a joke after while i thought he was judging me and everything seemed so stupid. So i stopped seeing him…….ok well i have to go tend to the kids