Insecurity, Demons, and Chick Flicks

You know I used to watch these chick flicks where the guy gets strange about a woman’s past, as if who she was is who she is now, even if it’s days before he met her. When all the stupid shit rolls like thunder over him and he gets paranoid and defensive and, well, creepy as shit about everything. He starts doing some kind of research, as if that’ll give him closure or finality or whatever, and because he strong-arms himself into her past, his whole world comes crashing down. Those chick flicks always end with him saying sorry, he was creepy and distrustful. And she says she forgives him–or not, I guess. I’ve seen some where she just says "screw you," and walks her merry way–and they live happily ever after, with that one transgression/creepy moment over and his curiosities sated, and somehow, for some strange reason, her trust in HIM isn’t somehow irrevocably twisted.

I think too many people are afraid of those powerful insecurities. For guys it’s a big deal, I guess, because we sometimes have an unending waterfall of pride. Where we feel that if we just know all (whoever’s) secrets, we’ll be secure and not have to worry anymore. I know a lot of guys who get stupid about it, who let it eat them up inside, who flourishes in the insecurity so great their anger burns the relationship out. For some guys it’s warranted. If you can’t trust the person you’re with, why are you with that person? And if that person can’t tell you what’s important, then they can’t trust you. And vice versa. And whatever.

I want to talk about my love life here, as limited as it may be, but I feel strange in doing so. I want to make this Friends Only, but I won’t because it’s important and I’m not breaking any trust barriers with anyone. Most of my previous lovers were virgins with no history. They were inexperienced and wide-eyed and without real historical complications. Bethany had previous loves, interests, people, but she was able to vilify them so profoundly and wholly that mentioning them wasn’t a problem between us. They were simply evil villains she met, and eventually departed from. Of course now, as the divorce continues, she becomes more and more strategic in how she remembers ME, so it’s not too hard to fill in the holes about her previous lovers. I don’t trust her anymore but I never got strange about her previous relationships. Maybe I should have? I don’t know. Maybe I should have had more of a vested interest in her than I did. Maybe I should have stepped up a little differently, got angry more, whatever. She had no friends, she had limited communication with the world–and she wanted it that way–but after she left me, all the exes came out of the woodwork. All the friends asked her out.

Which is fine. Her chapter in my life is done. Her relationships, friendships, etc are of no concern to me. Yet my future relationships are important, and what I learn from her is doubly so. Should I trust without question? Would it benefit me to put a stronger stake into the relationship? Fight for my place? I don’t know. I still don’t know. Bethany never gave me a chance to do that. She did all the fighting. But in the future, I’m almost certain I won’t find someone so hellbent to fight the world with the stone to her back.

It makes me want to rethink the whole creepy moments in the chick flicks. It’s important to someone. Perhaps it’s needed in a future relationship. Perhaps, instead of saying, "whatever, man. It’ll work out ’cause that’s how they’re supposed to!" I say, "Hey. Is this a problem?" Before it becomes a problem.

Of course the same can be said of me. I’ll forever try to be wholly honest with my future lover. I will forever want her to know everything about my past history, even if it’s dirty and stupid and someone I used to be but aren’t anymore. Because people do stupid things. Relationship-wise. Friendship-wise. And all the intermediary threads between. Should she ever become inquisitive about my past, or feel something isn’t quite right, I hope she can trust me enough to ask, straight up, about it to my face. So we can work it out. Really, anymore, all I look for in a lover is commonalities and, moreso, the respect for the relationship and me to keep communications open.

My advice to anyone reading this: trust her/him first. If he/she breaks that trust, decide whether the relationship is worth continuing. If it is, do everything in your power to forgive. If you can’t, the relationship isn’t worth continuing.

Our lives are a stack of moments where recall is suspect, where perspectives are rewritten with time, and people change. It’s easy to fall into a passive fact-gathering mindset when shit gets serious. It’s easier still to doubt. I personally strive to find the deepest fears in the other person, to understand her lens on the world. On situations. Experiences. Everyone’s afraid of abuse. Everyone’s afraid of violence. Of being cheated on. Of lies. Insecurities. Losing control or power of the situation, or self. Etc.

But why? I’ve never been content with WHAT someone does in reaction to the fear. People do damning things for really, really good reasons sometimes. Usually they do it for good. Or a perceived good. Like the question my brother posed to his english class: In what circumstance would you be willing to kill another person? What would have to happen for you to get to that point? Friends in danger? Family? Yourself? It’s possible you’ll lose power? Friends? Respect? Loved ones? You want to keep a secret hidden, for your own sanity? All important. It is everything.

Everyone is capable of killing, and abstaining from killing, and everything in-between. Yet the why is where you understand the person, and the actions. Intent is everything, always. With this, what did you want to do? With that action, why did you react that way? You might never be able to see it in yourself, but at least you can try to understand the other person by using it. It’s a tool.

What is your deepest fear? And how do you handle it? Like a totalitarian dictator? Like a kid running from a nightmare? Like a mascot rooting for a team nobody else agrees with? Devil’s Advocate and hiding behind words? Outright lies? Cheating? Self-indulgence? Anger? Sadness? Rage?

Loneliness and solitude?

That’s mine. I think. I don’t know. I sacrificed a lot for Bethany and my relationship. Now that it’s over (and it feels like with a snap of the finger), all those friendships I used to have are far, far away. Not saying they’d be strong if I hadn’t been with her. Not saying I wouldn’t be exactly in this same place whether she was in the picture or not. I can’t retcon my history. Well I can, but it isn’t healthy.

If you’ll excuse me, I have some demons I must face.