Dear Daddy

I wish I could tell you happy birthday in person. You’d have been 63 today. I really screwed things up this time, didn’t I?
All my life I’ve been letting you down, too many times to count and in ways that you’d never imagined, but this time when I let you down, I lost you.
I’d take it all back, if I could. Be the daughter I should’ve been all along. I’d make you so proud of me, but as things stand, I wouldn’t blame you if you turned away. I brought this mess down upon our heads and you paid the price. I’m so sorry. I know iy wont change anything and that I’ll never get to talk to you again, but I am.
I should’ve listened to you when you begged me not to leave. I was just too slefish to think it all the way through, so I cost you your life and kiddo her grandpa. And for what?
You always stood by me, even when you didn’t agree with what I was doing, but you were there. Then when I turned out to be wrong you helped me pick up the mess and prepare for my next disaster. I miss you so much and I dont knowwhat to do or where I’m going or anything anymore. The only thing I seem to know is that I’m going down and if I don’t somehow get kiddo into a life boat she’ll go down with me. If I drag myself down, thats bad enough, but to take my 3 year old too, would be beyond unforgivable. 
Had I known… but in a way I did, I could hear it in your voice when you begged me to just stay here and give J the cold shoulder if we ever bumped into each other, but I couldn’t.
I can’t prove or disprove what the outcome would’ve been had I not taken kiddo away from you, but I’m sure you’d be here today, enjoying your morning news on the internet, then kiddo and I would take you out to lunch or dinner aomewhere you wanted to go. If only the world was as it should be, this last year would NEVER have happened. I know you’d have to leave me someday, but not like that. No one should be alone and because of me you were alone and by the look on your face afraid.
I don’t blame you for not saying good bye. I’d be mad at me too; I am mad at me. Daddy, I’m scared. I must be the most evil person in the world.
You’re my hero, but I let you fall. I couldn’t be like you so I became as different as I could make myslef and you’re right, I’m very much like my mother. No wonder we fought so much. I’d give anything to do it all over again. I’d have made you so proud of me and I can’t undo what’s been done, but I’m sorry I caused you so much pain. We hurt the ones we love, and that’s no lie. I’m sorry, please forgive me, and miss you.
If you came back, I’d never let you go. I took it forgranted that you’d always be here, I should’ve learned from Uncle Del, Grandma, and Grandpa, but you never allow yourself to think that the invincible, really aren’t. I love you Daddy. Happy Birthday.
Watch out for kiddo, I don’t know how good I am for her and I can’t let her become me, I’m sorry for everything. I love you.