The Dark Side

It’s 2:50AM.

I’m sitting here typing. I have my headphones on listening to "Special" by Garbage. Family Guy is on with subtitles, so I can read what’s going on whenever I feel like looking up at the TV. 

This is multi-tasking. Ha!

I fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at 1am from a nightmare. The dream is a hard one to explain, but In a nutshell, I was being looked at by all my friends as a pathetic waste of time. They were basically laughing at me, and telling me I should just kill myself. It was a very dark dream. I woke up sweaty and feeling very vulnerable.

I think it’s because I missed a lot of work last week and facing my coworkers/friends/boss/bestie today feels weird. I’m sure they all know why I needed time off. I’m sure they all talk about me and feel sorry for me. I can see it in their eyes and how they ask me how I’m doing and if I’ve heard from Max.

Last week I read about how a former contestant from The Bachelor committed suicide. She hung herself. She was 29 and stunning. She had her heart broken many times and was recently going through a rough time with her current boyfriend. All her friends and family kept saying, "She’s so beautiful. I have no idea why she would want to do this. She had everything going for her." It annoyed me that her family was so clueless about the depth of her despair. 

I can totally see how people can snap now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so utterly humiliated and lost. Death does seem like a good alternative right about now, but I’m too much of a coward to hurt myself. 

RIP Gina Allemand. I know how you feel.