Well NOW I feel like writing.

I didn’t really feel like writing a little bit ago…then stepped on the scale.  Now I do.

LOL.  Sorry that’s just…funny to me.

Oh, and also, after feeling SO much better about my break up/being dumped by Deric over the last couple of days–like, almost to the point of being over it–I’m having a relapse today and feeling a little down again. 

I guess I should begin by explaining the last couple days, in a nutshell.

Deric broke up with me Wednesday, while at work. 
Wednesday night:  Wanted to die.
Thursday:  Wanted to die.
Friday morning:  Wanted to die.
Friday night:  Over it…realized this is for the better.
Saturday morning/afternoon:  Over it.
Saturday night (drunk):  Halfway wanted to die.
Sunday:  So far…kinda want to die. 

So Thursday, a "wanting to die" day, I actually called Deric to somewhat unleash on him how I felt…and it actually did make me feel better. 

My parents were heading to my brother’s baseball games this weekend.  I in Big City, am right on their way to his college so I decided it’d be a good idea for me to get out of the house and to keep myself busy, so I went with them.  It was a fun weekend.  I actually just got back not too long ago. 

Basically, my brother plays baseball for a nationally ranked community college who has a precedent of being just amazing every year.  This year, I wouldn’t say they struggled per se, still finished second but ended up in a sticky situation with another team in their league.  Two teams make it to the championships from every league–therefore, one team had to win twice between the two to advance to the championships.  So there was a little pressure/stress.  AND… to boot… if my bro’s team WOULDN’T have won, it would have been the first time in their coach’s 26 year career that they wouldn’t have made it.

Talk about a high pressure ordeal!  But alas, they made it 🙂 So Saturday night had a little party at my bro’s house, otherwise known as the "Baseball house".  I got drunk with him, it was good to bond with him and get a little loose 🙂  But drinking made me miss Deric.

I can’t believe I was like, SO fine, and today, am having a TOUGH time.  I keep thinking things over in my head, such as now that we’re broken up, he will probably end up finding out some of my skeletons.  How he hasn’t even tried getting ahold of me the past two days, which ultimately means he doesn’t want to talk to me, which hurts because that’s entirely different from how it was.  When I had called him on Thursday, he had said "You can call me or text me whenever you want!"  I was like…uh…helllll to the no.  You can have me now or lose me forever.  Well, I guess he decided to take his chances and lose me forever.  That shit hurts.  He also started his new job last week, and I would really like to know how his first couple days of burning went, which he started Friday.  And, I’m assuming he’s already started texting other girls–well, maybe not but he may at least have a slight interest in one–and that shit hurts too.  He really is an amazing guy…I mean, the way he did all this wasn’t such a good example of his "amazingness"…but I’m really hoping I can find a just as good guy.  One who knocks my socks off.

But you know what, there are good things about this break up.  It gives me a chance to get my life back together.  I’m going to school next year to get my teaching degree, and I feel pretty good about that.  Plus, we obviously didn’t meet at the right time, and deep down I kind of know that we aren’t meant to be–but of course, that’s always hard to convince yourself of right after breaking up.  I’m just thinking about what we had, it was pretty special…but life goes on.  I hope I find someone else who makes me just as happy, he made me extremely happy after not being happy for so long.  

Goal for next six months:  BETTER MYSELF.  Lose about 15 pounds.  Go back to school.  Get into teaching.  Become involved with life.  Get back into going to church.  Ultimately, work on myself so I can love myself…and then love someone else!