Quick entry before I a) go crazy and b) clean.
My anxiety is astronomical.
I strongly think…scratch that, KNOW I need anxiety medication. I can’t even get through a day without hyperventilating about SOMETHING. And lately, that ‘something’ has been my boyfriend Deric.
My boyfriend is an amazing person. He already runs MILES around Rian (ex-boyfriend), treats me wonderfully, is trustworthy, loyal and just a great guy.
At least, that’s how it started.
He is graduating college on Saturday, and already has a full-time job working in the fire industry. He was a firefighter for years, and even though his degree is his business, he decided he loved firefighting so he is now going to go into fire science. Well, his new job isn’t as a firefighter, it’s actually doing prescribed burns (you know, farmers and what not who need miles and miles of acres burned) but he’s going to be making good money.
He’s the type who has his life together, to a T. He’s organized, OCD, and is one of those people who doesn’t regret a decision he’s made.
Ok, take all of that, flip it, and that’s what I am.
I don’t have my life together, whatsoever. I’m NOT OCD, although am learning to be a little bit, but am still kinda messy, and pretty much regret everything about my life thus far. Well, not everything. I’ve lived a fairly good life, just made a LOT of bad decisions, but anyway, yeah.
Basically, about a year ago I actually did somewhat have my life together. You know what they say, meet the wrong person AT THE WRONG TIME! That…is for damn sure.
Well anyway, on with why my boyfriend is causing my anxiety to skyrocket to abnormal levels–(well, abnormal for me anyway)
He hasn’t been the same. He stopped calling me cute names. He hasn’t even really been friendly. He claims that it’s because of all these life changes he’s experiencing, and I completely and totally understand that. TRUST ME, look at how I’ve been? Lol. However, I can’t help but think that I’m about to get the ax anytime. Which, ironically, I understand. I am a mess right now. Who would want to be with me anyway? I mean seriously, in that aspect, I’m extremely selfless. If Deric were to break up with me…hot damn. I’d be heartbroken. Especially since we’ve talked about marriage, said the "I Love You’s", everything like that. So yeah…it’d be pretty much the worst thing ever. BUT, if it were for the best, I would graciously accept it and move on.
Part of me thinks that: 1) He really is just going through a life transition and is trying to figure it out, so he STILL loves me and I’m just being paranoid. 2) He isn’t even acting different, again, me just being paranoid and anxious. 3) He is trying to ease into a mutual breakup. 4) He doesn’t want to hurt me, knowing how insane the last few months have been, and how I’ve struggled, so he’s just holding out on breaking up with me OR waiting for me to break up with him so he doesn’t have to do it. 5) He really doesn’t love much anymore. Or, as much as he thought.
As you can see, I suffer from anxiety. Need. Help. I have a HUGE problem with taking things day by day. I REALLY need to do that. Just RELAX! And breathe. One good thing about lately, I’ve been losing weight from working out quite a bit. Feels pretty good! Need to keep it up! Maybe, if I get super super hot and skinny again, Deric will take a second notice to me 😉 Ha. That’s my plan. 🙂
His graduation is this weekend. I definitely think this is going to be the make-or-break weekend for us, especially after his weirdness the past few days. Think I’m going to get him a North Face jacket; don’t really know what else to get him. That seems fitting. I mean, it will probably go well with the freaking OAKLEYS I got him for his birthday. So maybe he will break up with me and I can be like okay bitch, give me the Oakleys back.
JK 😉
Well everyone, I’m off to continue my little cleaning adventure. And then, work out, tan, and head home for the night before I head to boyfriend’s tomorrow. Everyone have a SPLENDID day. 🙂
Much love,
-Elle.
PS: 3 parking tickets in one week. DANG!