Highest ever

It’s funny to me how in the fat acceptance community as a group we are very careful never to talk about our specific weights.  The philosophy of the movement is that our weights are just a number and shouldn’t define us.  However, individually we talk about our weight quite a bit, and it DOES define us.  I associate mostly with the over-400 group of women, and I almost don’t feel welcome among the people that are half my size.  

Our convention this year is in Vegas in a few weeks and I have been talking with some of the women I am most friendly with about carpooling up there instead of flying since it’s not terrible far from here.  Flying, of course, is an unpleasant experience for people my size.  I remember flying a couple years ago and wondering if I needed to buy two seats.  At that point I probably could have survived in one seat, though it would have been awkward an uncomfortable.  I’ve gained a bit of weight since then and now I know that one seat isn’t even an option.

Since then, I have had the experience of being told my an airline employee that I would need to purchase a second seat and that the flight I was booked on was full I would have to wait for another flight where two seat were available.  I’ve also had the experience of prepurchasing a second seat and having an employee express gratitude that I followed their policy correctly.

Their official policy is that their seats are 17" wide and anyone who takes up more space than that while seated is required to buy a second seat.  17 inches isn’t very much and the truth is that a large percentage of people are wider than that when seated.  I don’t even come close.  My closet door is 28" wide and my hips touch both sides of it as I walk through.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that I’d rather not fly, but many of the women I talk to about carpooling all want to fly.  The reason they want to fly is political.  They want to have to deal with the inconvenience of having to be on a plane at our size in order to make a point.  I’m less concerned with making a statement and more concerned with comfort.

When I first started gaining weight about 3 years ago, I weighed just over 300 pounds.  I remember pretending that I was dieting even though I was consistently gaining weight.  There is definitely something liberating now about admitting that I want to gain.  That first year I was "dieting" I gained almost 75 pounds.  I remember secretly looking forward to hitting the 400 pound mark and really thinking of it as an accomplishment even as I outwardly pretended I was disappointed with my weight gain.

My weight fluctuates a lot these days, which I think is common for people my size.  I can weigh myself one morning on an empty stomach and they weigh myself the next day after a big meal and literally be more than 10 pounds heavier.  So it’s hard for me to say what my current weight really is.  I will say that my weight gain has accelerated since I have someone feeding me, and he and I both enjoy seeing the numbers on the scale go up.  

This morning he cooked and fed me an enormous breakfast and for dessert I ate a whole cheesecake.  I stood on a scale for him afterward and it was my highest weight ever.