Look at me!

Despite being up at a little before 4 and dozing back off later, having ZERO things that have to be done today, and… well, nothing else really, I got up and showered, dressed, fixed my hair and makeup, opened the windows and straightened up the house. Go me, I’m a rockstar!!

One of my “kids” is staying here tonight. Caitlen is living at the shelter here, and moving to the one over in Marion tomorrow so she’s hanging out with me tonight. Looking forward to the company and someone to cook for.

I’m on like cup #8 of coffee. Think I’ll clean out the fridge today.

I really feel a lot more at peace after talking yesterday. I guess I can explain now … last Tuesday, jess called. We were talking about the pay changes and the trip out, etc., and he mentioned that he and Laura had been ring shopping recently. No big surprise, it just means we’ll finally need to work on the divorce.   But after that, he hit me with Laura wanting a baby. Again, this isn’t really a shocker, she’s enough younger with no kids of her own, it doesn’t surprise me. But it did sneak up and backhand the fuck out of me.

I can literally point to one specific event in my life that started me on the hard road to addiction – when I had my tubes tied after j2 was born. It fucked me up, a lot, mentally/emotionally and I took an activity that I enjoyed (if sometimes too much) and let it get so far out of hand. That one decision we made led me to exactly where I am in life today. I used vodka to escape everything that was hard in my life, effectively ruining a huge part of it. And it’s not to say that I’m not happy now, I am, but it’s been a very long, painful road to reach today.

I’m angry, I’m resentful, because it had this huge impact on my life – because HE didn’t want more kids, hell he didn’t even want j2, and to be honest he’d have been happy with only kaleigh. Chloe and j2 were all me.

And now he has the audacity to say because Laura wants a baby, he’s ready and willing to give her one?  Seriously?  Their choice obviously, and I don’t begrudge her a child of her own, but I resent the HELL out of jessie because of *does the laurie* all this. It torqued my ass good.

But I was able to express that in a safe environment with someone I trust and it’s out there now, so I can start to let it go. I needed someone to hear me explain why I was so hurt and angry, and have them understand it and help me break it into manageable pieces.

Anyway, that was half the crisis, the other half is the trip itself. The getting there and getting back, not the time with the kids of course. Airports and flying aren’t very good places for alcoholics, if you get my drift.

Thats all, I’m off to enjoy this sunny spring day, hope you can do the same!