I don’t know

Today I had brown eyes. Only for a few hours though. It was fun. It was more of a honey color really. I have always liked dark eyes. I don’t know if it looked natural on me. It kind of made me look like my mom. Maybe.

My eyes have been restored to blue. Blah!

I used my magic wand.

I had a thought…I should stop with these random ass thoughts…but, is a dead person a human been? If alive, we are called human beings…..and then could the unborn be called a human to be?

My little sisters 21st birthday os coming up. I went out this afternoon to do a liittle birthday shopping. I got her a glass (cup glass??) from Pier1. It was cheap, and I didn’t feel like paying $12 for a fancy one. I also got her an ice pack. One of those classic ones where you fill it up with ice yourself. Shes going to love me forever. A bit ago I bought her another cup, this one is plastic and from Goodwill. Its wine glass shaped with a fish on the stem. Its really fancy. and she is going to love me forever. But there is reason behind the fish cup. When she was younger, I cant quite remember how old, (4 or 5 maybe) she wrote to Santa asking him for a glass fish for christmas. It was a really random want, and I don’t think there was any reason as to why she wanted a glass fish.We never let her forget that, and we like to tease her about it often. One year I did end up buying her a glass fish for christmas, and she called me an asshole. So this year, she is getting a fish (plastic) glass. It seemed appropriate. My sister tends to get random shit from me anyway, last year I got a really lovely cat sweatshirt from goodwill. It was dark green with a few fluffy cats in a basket fully of yarn. She is still loving me forever for that gift. I did see her wear it from time to time, take this summer for instance…it was really late at night and I came home to her wearing it while very high and cooking noodles with a friend.

…I will take that as another reason why I will continue to try to stay sober. The outside looking in…..Which I do beleive I will be doing a good bit of while my sister celebrates her 21st. I’m more than glad to do so. Im going to sit back and let her do her thing.

Back to Friday. I woke up late again. This time I did set my alarm, and I did turn it on, however, I ended up sleeping on my phone, so the alarm sound must have been muffled by my ass. The good news is, is that I woke up with just enough time for shower with out having to be late for work.

I had therapy on Friday. She asked what I wanted to tal about. You can guess my answer. Too bad my answer ended up being the topic of conversation. So I guess you can say I did answer with a real answer, it just wasn’t intentional. We spent a good deal of the time figuring out why I always say "I Don’t know?" Well…we didn’t solve the whole I don’t know puzzle, but we did figure out some stuff. It does turn out that I do know why I say I don’t know all the time, I just hadn’t thought about enough. Saying "I dont know" for starters, is an easy way out. A defense mechanism. But it also comes form the fact that growing up, my sisters and I were never really allowed to share or show a lot of emotions with out being critisised. Especially anger. And when it came to happy emotions, it was never reflected back to us. Sharing good news to my mom was and still is, a waste of time, or so it seems. I could come to her and say "I had such a great day I did this and that and it was fun" and her reply would be "hmmm" followed by some silence, then something negative. I don’t even think I have heard her say something along the lines of "Im so happy for you" So when asked questions like "how are you feeling" or "what would you like ot talk about"….I say I don’t know, because if I express anger, I’m told I’m being like my father, or if I speak of something good, I hardly get a caring response. Saying "I don’t know" is easy. No thought…just "I don’t know"

Im glad this was discussed in therapy though. It turned out to be helpful. I will still most likey continue to use "I don’t know" Its going to be a hard habbit to break.

More on Friday’s therapy session….in the begining of the session, body image was brought up again. I was thrilled! Counselor had me do the stupid ass ‘look in the mirror and tell me what you see’ bit. I could have said no, so it was "stupid ass" on my part, but it just felt so cliche or something. I was pretty pissed off, and I was really uncomfortable doing it. We purposely went into the room with the mirror in it…its not the usual room we use, I should have known when I was told to go into that room. It was hard. And I never want to do it again. Its one thing to look in the mirror when your alone. You can keep all the thoughts to yourself, but when asked to speak out loud what thougths you have….ughhh. Its hard enough for me to speak on a normal basis. She did say that I could stop at any point and tell her it was too much or whatever, but I tried to do it to the best of my ability…which apparently Im hardly able…but thankfully I didn’t have to do it for long. All the stuff I had to say felt embarassing. I had a hard time looking at myself while someone else was looking at me looking at myself (does tha make sense? haha) When I am alone, I look in the mirror all the time picking out each little thing I hate, but I can do it for a long time because nobody is there. I can do it repetatively, and I’m only wasting my time. I guess its something I do obsessively, but its really embarassing to do it infront of somebody, yet alone, admit to somebody that I do it.

Fucking therapy! Making me face all this shit. Its not what I signed up for….oh wait, yes it is….but I didn’t sign up for it with a smile on my face. Infact I was scowling like a child.

No…I’m gald I have therapy. As hard as it is sometimes, I see the benefits. Its tough though, as in inpatient person, who wants direct results…ehhmmmm…cough…rapid weight loss…cough….there is no such thing as rapid therapy gain. Ugggghhhh, I dont even like to use the word gain. Results….I will use results. No, I don’t think thats quite right either….

Saturday babysitting. I was late to Saturday babysitting because I can’t stay on task if I had to. I don’t know what my problem is. Anyway, this is something I have always meant to mention here on open diary because it brings a smile to my face and mealts my heart….when I put the boys to bed, we have a certain routine. After all the pj/ brush teeth steps….we go up to the boys room and caleb says the prayer while we all hold hands. Then we part hands and the boys each hop off to the sides of their beds to where I cant quite grab them…and then they both think of a magic word/phrase I have to say in order to get a hug. The boys will tell me their magic words but first I utter of some nonsense words that make them laugh before sayng the right words. Then when I finally say the right words, I get a running jump hug from each. After that, they get comfy in their blankets and make their stuffies are comfy, and not until that is done can I turn out the lights, which is my favorite part because after the lights are off, they say to me, in one long sentence word "

byeloveyougoodnight (takes breath) nowgodownstairsnow (breathe) turnthelightsoffbeforeyougodownstairs (breathe again) dontforgettoturnthethingtogrinchleavethedooralittlebitopened (breathe) loeyouseeyounexttime. BREATHE A big breath of fresh air! And then I fianlly go back downstairs. haha, but I adore it. And I look forward to it each time. The grinch thing refers to their door hanger thing that hangs on the outside of their door. Its like one of those ‘do not enter" signs..one side is the cat in the hat, which is the you may enter side, and the grinch side is the do not enter side..but not in those words. The sign is to be turned to side grinch at night upon Josh’s request. haha. This Saturday Caleb said to make sure I had it on the grinch side before bed becuse "Its really precious to Josh" This made me laugh a good while.