out of state of mind.

10-27-12. Saturday night. On the brink of Sunday morning.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going to stay. I wanted to stay.

My stomach hurt so bad, it felt as if it took me ten minutes just to crawl to my car. It was only feet away. It took a lot of pathetic effort to make a quick phone call.

Okay. I did it. Now just go. I have to talk myself through these simple tasks.

All I wanted was to be in my bed. Appearently too much to ask!

Key in ignition? Check. Car on? Check. Headlights? Check. Heat? Check. Music? Don’t give a shit what! Check. Mind present? Not really. Should I even be driving? No. Where is it I want to be? Bed. How do I get there? Drive home. Fuck.

Now my head physically begins to hurt. My brain, my head, my stomach. What else?

Im not sure what was going through my mind. Too much? Not enough? I don’t even know.

I’m doing it though, driving, but not well. Im on a road I am constantly on, but for a moment, (which can be too long) I forget.

I don’t know what road I’m on and I panic. I thought that I was no longer in my state. A new road, a new location, and how the fuck did I get there. I come back. Im in my state on the road I constantly drive on.

I look to my left, theres a semi truck. Red lights underneath it and a car. Its trapped there. It lasts for a moment, then the trapped car is gone. It was never there.

Next moment…

I look to my right and there is sand all along the side of the road. A desert? A beach? I don’t know. I don’t know because there is no sand along the road. The sand turns back into the actual side of the road.

I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I contemplate how I could do just that while still driving. My right hand begins to reach for something to tear my skin apart. No. I can’t do that. My right hand is back on the steering wheel.

 The music thats playing dosen’t help. It sounds like lasers shooting back and forth in my head. In and out. Back in and out again. I could have stopped the music, changed it to something less…visual…but no, I liked the lasers. I wanted the lasers to continue. The laser beams were  red, and that made a lot of sense.

I can’t be driving like this. Its so fucking stupid. I don’t want to pull over, because then it would take even longer to get to my bed. I hit my head, left side first, around the temple. Then the right side. Cheeks next. It does nothing.

Then there was the flashing lights infront of me. What were they exactly? It must have been the car infront of me. I assume its full of dumb teenagers being assholes. Nevermind the fact that it was probably just the reflection of a cars blinker. It was more. Or did I need it to be more. It really confused me non the less. I press on the brakes. Again, and again. There was no reason for the breaks….no logical reason.

I just want to be home. More lasers. Heat. Slaps to the face. Open eyes, a too opened brain? A too closed brain? like I’ve said, I don’t know. Luckily I made it home in one physical piece.

I’m home. And slowly, my mind follows back home….. for the most part. My stomach dosen’t feel as bad anymore. Thats good. And I am in bed now, thats good too.