…and hold the rocks!

The last two days have been sort of messy. The symptoms have been kicked into high gear. Its hard to say why. I feel guilty about it.How can I say that I am trying to recover when Im not really recovering. I’m trying. I’m not trying. I’m trying. I’m not trying. I feel like I should play the flower petal game with this. Leave it up to the flowers to decide, because I sure as hell don’t know!

I havn’t really slept for the past two nights either. I have felt really tired and slow during the day. During the night I have felt tired, but my brain has been fast with thoughts racing all around. The thinking is what keeps me up. Its not fair that I can’t turn down the thinking. I havn’t really been able to relax, and I can never get cofortable. I try and try to find differen’t ways to slow down the thinking, but clearly I havn’t found the right solution. Counting?…..no, it only lasts for so long…and thats never long enough to relax. Trying to talk y body into realxation?……no, that won’t work until I can find a way to actually relax. Soothing music?….no, my mind begins to create stories to go with the songs….cue more thinking. Read until I fall asleep?…..ha, when has that ever worked. I hate that I have to try so hard at something that should come so naturally.

And the anxiety that hits me so randomly at night. I don’t know where it comes from. I can be okay, then suddenly be so full of anxiety from what seems like nothing. I try to tell counselor about this, but she keeps wanting an answer as to why I am feeling anxious. I don’t have an answer, other than it just hits me out of nowhere. Appearently thats not a good enough reason. Its frustrating to say the least.

…..That was yesterday….

…Today I started my day off by stepping in cat vomit. I know who was responsible for this…miss laser eyes herself. Little brat eats too fast. I yelled "Damnit White Cat!" and then kicked her ass out! Then a little bit later I gave her pets, and we both pretended like nothing ever happened.

Symptom wise…the day was a little bit better.

Heres something rather pathetic…I can’t seem to remember what I did during the day. That can’t be good.

I picked up two cranky kids from school today. Things got little bit better when we got home and they ate their snacks. Both had their activities today. Poor Evelyn has me as the one doing her hair for ballet class. Thankfully Warren dosen’t need his hair done for soccer, but I suppose if he were to want his hair done, I would try my best to give him an acceptable do.

I am in bed fairly early tonight. That dosen’t mean I will be asleep fairly early..

Last night after finally falling asleep, I dreampt about being back in Europe. This happens quite often in my dreams, and in every one of these dreams, I am so happy. I feel like I am in a place I should be. The places seem to shift around, but its always such a fantastic spot. I hate having to wake up from my destination dreams. It hardly seems fair.

I often dream of water as well. I love the water dreams too. My dream water smells delicious, and it holds me as I float on top of it. Their is only one drawback about the water dreams. The water always eventually recedes back into the earth leaving me standing there wondering what I can do to bring it back. I still don’t know how to bring back the water.

Maybe thats the problem I need to solve. How can I get the water back. How can I get the water to hold my problems for a much longer time.