forget and be forgotten?

I have spent a lot of the day covering my face with my palms.

My head hurts.

My brain hurts. I can’t escape my brain. Its exhausting. A small decision turns into lasting minutes. It feels like a tug of war battle in my head. Never ending.

In therapy counselor and I talked about my forgetfulness. I am forgetfull because there is so much going on in my mind that there isn’t much room up there to store extra things. Counselor suggests carrying a pocket sized calendar or planer so I could always have dates and plans with me at all times. Its a good suggestion, and I do have a regular wall calendar, but the problem is, is that I forget to wright things down. Its worth a try anyway, I can’t really lose anything. If it ends up working, great, if not, I will have to try something new.

I bring up the forgetfulness because I had forgotten that my dad was having surgery today. Well, It was a few days ago that I had forgotten, and about two days ago that I had finally remembered. I feel so awful, how can somebody forget something like that? I feel guilty because my dad and his health should have been at the forefront of my mind, but it wasn’t. Whats forefront on my mind all the time is me. I hate that, but I can’t seem to think about anything else. Eating disorders are very selfish. I hate that I am so selfish.

And more with the forgetfulness, on somebody elses forgetfulness…..I was going to go ith my sister and brother in law to visit my dad tonight. He is at a hospital that I have never been to, and have no clue how to get to. My brother in law has no issues with directions, so going with them seemed to be the best idea. Me driving to a rather far place in the heavy rain with a shitty car with no sense of direction ontop of the anxiety, mindlesness and inability to focus, would have probably resulted in me landing in the hospital as well, and my family dosen’t need that right now. Anyway, I was waiting a long time for them, but they forgot me. They went on ahead and were already there by the time I had asked them if they were leaving yet. I know my sister has a lot of anxiety too, and she worries about everything (to the point of being worried whenever she gets any sort of text because she thinks it will be a text of doom or something..yeah…she needs help too!) So Im sure thats why I was left behind. I’m not upset with her. However, I did want to visit my dad, and I still feel bad for not being there. He will have ot stay in the hospital for a week, I will make it up there.  

So the moral of this story is…forget and you will be forgotten?????

Is that what Aesop would have said?

….ummmm

last week during therapy, counselor brought up weight. She asked my weight, but I wouldn’t tell her. I freaked out a little. She brought it back up again today, and again I wouldn’t say. I understand why she brought it back up again, she is trying to get my confidence and trust up enough to say it. Ha. Right. I don’t know when that will be!!! I can’t say it out loud to myself. She also wanted to let me know that she wasn’t there to judge me based upon my weight, well I bloody well know that, but I judge myself. I think that is worse. My judgements upon myself are harsher and meaner than anybodies. And I don’t know how to stop judging myself, I have done it for as long as I can remember. From an early age I have always felt that everybody else is better than I am, that I am never going to amount to them. Its silly, I know, but its all I know. In school, it was very difficult for me to make friends. Sometimes people thought I was stuck up and felt as if I was better than everybody else. That really hurt because it was the exact oppisite of that. I wouldn’t allow myself to meet new people and make friends. I was convinced that no one would ever want to be friends with such an ugly and awful person as myself. How could they want to be friends with me? I didn’t even want to be friends with me.

I avoided most social activities because I thought I would fail…sports, clubs…I couldn’t handle the failure, so I avoided it. I finally got up enough courage one year to join the field hockey team. That was huge for me. No one seemed to notice. I really loved playing field hockey, and I loved the idea of having games to play. I liked the thought of having my parents come to watch my games like they did with both of my sisters soccer games. Except, they never came to my games. I had to go with a friends parents. My aunt once took me to a game. It was the final game of the season. I scored the winning goal of that game, and when I looked around, my aunt wasn’t there, she was resting in her car. No one saw except my teammates, and none of them really mattered. After that I as done with sports. I didn’t get how they could go to almost every one of my sisters games, and this was for many years too, but never could come to one of my field hockey games. I wish I would have stuck with it longer though, I should have done it for me, but at the time I didn’t know that. Being on the that team helped build some self confidence, but I let that slip away to quickly.

Uhhh….Therapy session much? haha. That was my attempt at a sob story….not very sob-ish really. I lived to tell the story eh? I got through it just fine.

It was more of a lame trip down memory lane.

In my mind, my memory lane is paved with yellow bricks. Really!

My overactive imagination…it does things like that…like give color and texture, even scents to…….my memory lane…and things.

And this is here I will put a stop sign to my memory lane and things, becuase if I dont…who knows where this will go.

Oh one more thing…my purse had a hour long conversation with my mom the other day. My purse must have had a lot to say, and no one else to say it too, so it called up the one person who is crazy enough to stay on the phone with a purse for one hour! This is a true story……and thats just very sad.

I think its time for a new phone, it pocket dials, purse dials, self dials, who knows what else dials…

Or is it my ghost. My ghost Cecelia must have got into my phone in attempts to make contact with this world.

….see what I mean.

Okay, red light. and red light means stop….not stop then go whenever I feel like it <~ A friendly self reminder.