which hand is it in?

I thought of another one….Kittenapiller.

I woke up this morning beyond confused. I woke up later than usual and was convinced it was a week day for a few minutes. I awoke suddenly, looked at the clock and thought "well mother fucker, Im late for work, I have to call in and apologize for being so terribly late." Except I dont work on Saturdays, so after collecting my witts by looking out the window, (because everybody knows that you can tell what day it is by looking at the sky) I came the the realization of what was going on. I took a breather and got out of bed, in that some what state of frenzy that lingers. I still felt as if I had to rush despite the real situation. Which made me do a crap job of shaving my legs while in the shower. I still had the late thing in my mind so I hauled ass to group, where I ended up being the first one there, and a few minutes early.

We talked about making our own decisions. Pretty good topic I’d day

For me, making my own decisions is really tough. It always has been. Decisions feel like to much to handle. I tend to let others decide things for me, and I allow my monster to make decisions for me. Its easier that way. Its hard to take the resposibility of deciding something. What if I decide on something, and that something fails in some way or another. I can’t have that! Say a friend asks me what I would like to do and what I decide is something that friend dosen’t enjoy doing, or ends up having an awful time doing whatever it was that I decided on doing. Then its all my fault that my friend is miserable. Yet I allow things to be miserable for me. Its fine if im not really okay with something, as long as the other person is happy. Does that even make any sense?

And when It comes to Yarnie making choices for me….well he has say in whatever I do. What I eat, when I eat, how I eat, and whats safe to eat. Where I go, what I do, when I do it, how I do it. What I wear, and what I can’t wear. My moods, my day, my current life.

How pathetic is that? It feels like I have lost my say. But its as if I want that. I don’t want to make the effort. Its easy not to. It makes me feel really lazy and weak though. If I am going to get anywhere with recovery, I need to find some sort of strength. But finding strength takes strength, and the willingness to find it.

I’m not so sure i’m willing to so so right now. I don’t know how to right now.

Its frustrating.

And the whole idea of learning to say "no" is frightening! It means making my own decision.

Letting people make choices for me is easier, and I am giving them all sorts of control over me, yet I want control over my life. Tell me how this is all suppose to work out??? Oh yeah, it dosen’t. Thats why this has gotten me nowhere but trouble.

And so it still continues on with that fabulous circle I mentioned in an old entry. It keeps going and going…

So heres some advice…stay away from yarn monsters. Ha, if only it were that easy!