my 20 hour entry

This evening while babysitting, I told the boys to go get their pjs on. A few minutes pass and finally Caleb and Josh come back down stairs. I look at Josh and he had put on jean shorts and a t-shirt. Josh had been wearing pjs already, well pj shorts, but I had expected him to put on a clean pair of pjs, but nope, he decided to flip things around I suppose and put on jean shorts for bed. He had come backdown stairs like everything was completely normal, no big deal. I did a double take and then asked him why he had put on jean shorts. He looked down at his legs and back up at me and had a "why the hell are you asking me such a thing" face, and shrugged his shoulders. I told him to go get his real pjs on and then he just sort of had a melt down. Finaly I got out of him that he had no clean pj shorts to wear. I guess he was doing some problem solving…4 year old problem solving and the result was the jean shorts. He eventually went back upstairs and changed back into his previous pj shorts. He came back down with them on side ways. I was working hard to supress my laughter through out the ordeal!

This is another reason why I love kids. They make you laugh with out even trying.

I struggled with Yarnie again today.

Control has left the building….it left a long time ago. It must be taking its time traveling around the world.

The subject of anger was brought up at group today. It was a good subject, but I couldn’t find much to say about it. I mentioned that I shut down when Im angry. That I become silent and tend to hide. I don’t like to show my anger. I never share with others that Im angry, or why Im angry. I keep it all to myself. It usually ends in self destruction. That I didn’t say in group. I get angry for letting myself be angry. Yet anger is a natural emotion. My anger comes from anxiety and inperfection, which all come from fear. It was brought up in group to try and avoid whatever is causing the fear (if possible) But I don’t know how to avoid myself. I get really angry with myself. So do I fear myself?

I fear the real world. I fear facing things I don’t know how to handle. I don’t know how to handle myself, my emotions, my problems. And I don’t always feel like Im part of the real world. I have been so wrappd up in my little bubble, so isolated, that the only thing I see is me. The world is huge, there is so much to it, so much real world, and I don’t know how to live in it.

I am part of the real world though, even if it  feels like Im not. That scares me.

Where am I going with this?

I lost my train of thought.

Well good day to you, I wrote the above last night.

The day has starting rocky. Whats new.

I slept in today. I find that fantastic

I hate the scale. And I hate myself for making the scale tell me things I don’t like.

I want to get my hair cut. Just a little. Mayybe I can do that today.

I probably won’t do that today.

Good news: one of my favorite stores down town is reopening their second floor again. It had gone down to only one floor and had a lot less stuff in it, not that that stopped me from buying a lot of stuff from there, but now there will be two floors full of goodies. Lots if dresses, shoes, and jewelery. Because pyramids of all these things just isn’t enough. I need mountains of them.

Speaking of dresses, I dreampt about a dress last night. I tried on a really amazing dress, it was sort of like a ball gown I think. It was fantastic and fit me perfect. I can’t really remembe what it looked like, but I know I loved it. Then I looked at the price tag and it was $3000 so I couldn’t buy it. Then I whined. (in english, not japalish) Jiminy cricket must have been home. He didn’t make an appearance in this dream. Which was good, because I don’t think I was in a beach boys kind of mood.

Again.Im back frim earlier. I wrote the other above this morning.

I was right. I didn’t get my hair cut. I got a dress instead. And coffee.

I tiddied up my room a little bit. I did something some what productive. And I did some white clothes laundry.

This entry took me a good 20 hours to complete.

 work early tomorrow. I have therapy after work.