really really real mares

I can’t seem to get to bed early. There are several reasons as to why.  I bet you can guess at least one reason!

I took another mini table nap today. I was lucky enough to have a break at work, and spent it on top of a table. This time I was awoken by Ms. Janet. I felt really lame and quickly hopped of the table and scurried to the bathroom to hide! I didn’t come out until the coast was clear. I then snuck through the "magic closet" back into the camp room, where all the kids were awake with Ada. My hair was a mess and all sorts of lop sided. Thats what I get for resting my head on Edgar! I wasn’t ready to get up, and could have napped a few more hours. Unfortionately I couldn’t. Appearently taking care of the kids needs is more important than taking care of my weird nap needs. Go figure! I had to stay late for aftercare today and was looking forward to leaving around 5:00, because the one little girl that gets picked up by 6:00 is on vacation this week. Thus leaving the rest of the aftercare kids who are always picked up by 5:00 at the latest. Except for today, I got the specail day. Normally the two girls who are picked up the earliest leave around 4-4:30, but today they stayed until 5:45. I was annoyed and just wanted to go home and relax a little before group. I don’t like to rush and being late makes me anxious. So thats just how I felt when I finally left work by 5:55. I understand that parents run late from time to time, but I still get annoyed! I could try to look at the bright side of things and be greatful for the extra work time.

The above was written last night…I forgot I had started an entry..

I can start by saying that like the above, today was another mini table nap day.  An new person awoke me, and I just went ahead and rolled with the "yup, I am sleeping on the table"

It seems as if I have found a new nap location.

I had a rocky sort of day! I allowed my anxiety get the best of me. Its the anxiety over the dreaded wedding I will be attending. I have been worried about this wedding for quite some time now, and as it got closer and closer, I caved in and caved in.  I have no clue on how to deal with any issue on my own, so I imediately turn to Yarnie to help me get through! The bastard never really helps though. Its another faux…faux help!

I purged three times today. Once at work. I hate myself for doing that. I never wanted to purge at work, thats so awful. I have to admit I have purged at work two other times this week.

…But today, uuggghhhh, I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt all sorts of antsy. When it came to my break time, (which I get when I stay late for aftercare) I made a quick exit to a bathroom that isn’t used during the summer, and no one would think to look there if they happened to be looking for me….and went ahead and did what I felt needed to be done. Despite the fact of being in a some what hidden bathroom, I still felt very paranoid. And then felt like utter shit for doing what I had done, then felt like I wanted to hide more, then went straight to my nap table and tried to forget what I had done! 

…Going back to the other days I purged at work….I just want to…I don’t even know…punish myself in some new way! I purged with kids still under my care. With the kids not even 10 ft away from me. I left the kids, went into the bathroom and threw up, I came back out, went the the adjoining rooms bathroom, and threw up some more, again leaving the kids alone. They were happily coloring pictures at a table, while my selfish ass was self destructing and neglecting others all at the same time. I FEEL SICK JUST THINKING ABOUT WHAT I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who does that. Its horrible, what if something happened to one of the kids under my "care" ? What if the kids parents walked into the room to find their kids alone, while their so called " counselor" was in the bathroom vomiting on purpose? So many what ifs, yet none of that seemed to matter. All that mattered was to please the monster! That is just another example of the insanity an ED carries!

I can not let that happen again, yet it happened once, it could happen again. I never wanted that sort of thing to happen, yet it did. I can say it won’t happen, but each day is differen’t. Each moment is differen’t! Its unpredictable. I can say I will never do this or that, but not a second later find myself doing just that.

I hate it!!!!!! Its sick!!!!!!!!!! Its selfish!!!!!!!! Its insane!!!!!!!!!!!! It has such a tight grip on me!!!!!! Miles of string continue to wind around me and with each loop the string is pulled tighter. I shouldn’t even be breathing right now, with the strings around me and all.

I am so beyond anxious about this stupid wedding. Its a wedding for Gods sake, not an execution. It a happy celebration brought forth by love, and im dreading it. I want nothing to do with it. But I commited myself to being there. There for I feel as if I need to be there. I need to face these things, and find a way to get over it! If I avoid them, then It will get me nowhere.

…It takes me to the serenity prayer…accepting the things I can not change. And finding the courage to change the things I can. I need to change me in order to be able to deal with things with out the self destruction! I still don’t have the courage to do that though. I am so scared of it. Changing yourslef completely sounds like a nightmare of the worst kind. Its a real mare. there is no waking up from real mares, you can only accept them and face them. There is a lot to life, and real mares are a part of it.

…uummm Im not sure where I was going with that….I don’t think I got my point across..

Its late (early technically) I need to find some sleep.