word purging

I feel triggered. Im not sure I can pin point one reason why. There seems to be several. Sights, sounds, smells…

I purged twice today. Thats 2 times to many! I complain about it so often. I wish stopping the behavior was as easy as the complaining.

I scratched at my legs this morning. The scale said I gained a pound after another day of starving. I didn’t know what to believe, so scratching seemed like the temporary answer. It never is. There is never a good answer.

Nothing is ever good enough. I want so much, and want to be so little. Tell me, how does that work?

If I want so much, shouldn’t I be more? Not less?

I never make any sense. I am full of nonsense. This is all nonsense! If I could purge the nonsense from my mind, my body, then maybe I will drop another 20lbs. 20lbs gone, down the drain, where it shall remain forever. In a sewer somewhere, among the filthy rats, trash and scum.

Is that where all the evicted head monsters go after they leave their victims? The sewers? I can picture it. The scary, strange, evil, cruel, ugly, and unwanted head monsters floating and bobbing along the black waters of sewers! There must be millions of them disposed all over the world!  

I think that the head monsters never make it out of their victims as a whole. I think that there will always be a small percentage left of them left in their former homes. A small parting gift! And I do believe it to be a gift. As evil as they are, they are infact part of you. They can be a benefit in some way or another.

Yarnie for example…as awful as the bastard is, helps fuel a creativity inside me. A creativity that may be important to share! I can only hope that thats the part he leaves of himself when he does decide to leave! I also like to think he helps to make my imagination even more vivid. I have always had a vivid imagination, but some how or another my imagination has grown. Albeit in a darker kind of way. Which I know sounds silly, a vivid imagination made vivider through darkness. When the word vivid comes up, bright is a better word to describe it, not dark!

So with out my creativity, I just wouldn’e be me. And with out my imagination, I would be a dull and colorless version of me! I think I would rather keep that small bit of Yarnie in my head rather than lose those two very important things!

I don’t want to shed any light on head monsters and make them the more powerful one, but If I had to find a silver lining within, that would be it! 

For all us pessimists, the glass may be half empty, but perhaps thats because we drank the other half and therefor did something healthy for ourselves by staying hydrated. Not to mention we still have another half cup to drink, which is a good thing right? We can hydrate fully when on the other side, the optomists, only filled their glass half way up, thus leaving their selves less hydrated. If the glass is half full, thats because it was only filled half way up. If the glass is half empty then thats because it was first filled all the way up.

And okay so I may have that all wrong, and twisted it far too much. I was trying to make an analogy, but I don’t think it turned out quite right. I’m not sure that glasses full of water can relate to head monsters. But I rolled with it anyway! It . It ts just the way I look at it.

Im sure many would disagree with what I wrote, And I’m sure they have plenty of ideas to back up their reasons!  There is neither wrong nor right oppinions.

I wasn’t much expecting to make a turn in this entry. Im not sure any of it will make sense. I just needed to purge some words! Pun intended??