wasted distractions

I usually don’t write twice in one day, but im bored. Im bored and I need a distraction. I have distractions, but Im quite distracted with Yarnie. So Does that cancel out the good distractions? Does that make sense? I don’t know! I say that a lot, I don’t know! Its because I really don’t ever seem to know! Or maybe its because I do know what I want and I dont want to admit it.

My throat hurts a little. I should be scared that I vomited up a little blood, except Im not. Its happened before, and I just don’t really care. Not caring is somewhat scary! I should care! I didn’t have plans to purge, it just sort of happened, I went to the bathroom, and next thing I know Im doing something I shouldn’t do. But that really just seems like a lame excuse. I continue to give in and give in. I don’t know how to deal with things otherwise. I say I want Yarnie gone, but do I really? I don’t think Im making much of an effort. I want to be small and thats all that seems to matter to me. Its a constant pursuit that will get me nowhere. So why the hell do I keep persuing it? I keep chasing this selfish need of mine! It makes things feel worse, to know how selfish I am.

How can my world be so small that all I want is to be small.

I hate this! 

And I hate that my moods have been all over the place, I feel just fine one moment,even happy. Next thing I know I feel like shit and could care less if this kills me.