jellyfish

I had a good day yesterday. That really hasn’t happened in such a long time.

How quickly things change. I woke up this morning with Yarnie gripping me tightly around the neck. I didn’t have to wake up with the alarm today, I had Yarnie filling in, shouting and screaming. Its never fun waking up to such mean words. It was pouring rain yesterday, but today it feels as if its pouring cruel words. The dark cloud is over my head. Unfortioanately there is no such thing as an umbrella to protect me from such rain! Or maybe there is, but its more of a raincoat, a faux raincoat. I have a lot of fauxs in my life dont I. Temporary solutions that solve nothing. They are solutions that tend to escalate into even bigger problems. A hole thats becomes deeper and wider.

Im doing a good job of tuning out the world and only listining to Yarnie! Im at the coffee house with plenty of people chating all around me. There is all the coffee house type noises, the brewing of coffee, the tapping, the register. I have on earphones with music pouring out of them. Yet I don’t hear any of it. I hear Yarnie.

There are plenty if sights all around me. People, lights, coffee beans, tea, wood, colors, boxes, cups, food, machines, tables, chairs, shelves, books, newspaper, napkins, flowers, windows, doors, signs, menues, trashcans, cell phones, computers, shoes, clothes, bags, glasses, numbers, straws, milk, plasic spoons, knives, forks, baskets, carboard, crumbs, fans, money. I see Yarnie on or in each of these things.

I smell him, breath him. taste him. Feel him. Hear him. See him. Its a Yarnie sensory overload! And he is laughing at the situation. I don’t find it so funny! 

I feel like Yarnie’s puppetee

One day Yarnie will become my puppet. I will control him. lnfact I will use his very own strings to control him. See how he likes that. Turn the table. Maybe one day I will become a puppet master, and find some real control! 

I don’t know how this will happen, when this will happen, but it has to happen. It has to in order to get me back. To get my life back, to get the things I really want back! 

I say I want to be nothing, feel nothing. I say I want to be invisiable, to disappear. I say I must be thin, must be empty. I say I am worth nothing, I say I fail at everything! I say I never will amount to anything. I say I am ugly, hideous, pathetic. I say I am a huge fat cow. I say I deserve nothing.

But thats not really my voice. Its Yarnie speaking for me.

And I am letting him! I have been told I am too nice. I suppose thats true, I am letting Yarnie walk all over me, Im letting him have control, I never tell him no, all because Im to afraid of upsetting him. I feel the need to please everybody, including Yarnie. I put myslef last, im way at the end of the line. Who knows how long it will take to reach the end, its a line that seems to go on forever.

"FOR-EV-ER,  FOR-EV-ER" My mind is saying it like Squints from The Sandlot.

"Your killing me Smalls"

Ha, that was a good movie,  I had a thing for Yeah-Yeah and Rodriguez. The Beast was cool. I loved the part at the end with The Beast! 

My mind switches so fast! 

The Mighty Ducks was another good one! I have a Goldberg t-shirt. Its pretty cool. And I also have a Turbo Man t-shirt from the movie Jingle All The Way. Blank Check was good too, and Heavy Weights! "Perkisizing" haha. And First Kid! "Im double O simms"

Remember the movie Airborne? Love love love that movie. I adore Mitchel Goosen! He was way too cool! 

I loved the movie Can’t Hardly Wait" also…"Im going to find me some super mad honies!"

And The Little Rascals. I always watched that movie. "quick whats the number for 911" " I’ll trade you a pickel for a nickle" "Butch…and Woim!" My friends and I would try to compare ourselves to the characters from that movie. I was compared to Froggy, and that made me so mad. Froggy was weird looking and had a funny voice, but I guess the comparason came from the fact that I loved animals and I had a pet lizard! 

Clearly I can’t stay one one topic.

Good news…I found one of the cd’d I have been looking for! That excited me a bit. I can now scratch Siverchair’s Neon Ballroom of my Amazon wishlist. You wouldn’t think that it would have been hard to find that cd in stores but it was. Cd’s are not so popular anymore, but I still use them! I am still looking for Melee’s Everyday Behavior" and Finch’s What It is to Burn. I had them but the old cd’s have been destroyed from use and age! I have a ton more I want to replace, and Im sure I could do the whole Itune thing/downlod or whatever, but Id rather have the actual cd! 

Perhaps I should just get some blank cd’s and see what I can do. I want to make some Placebo cd’s for somebody anyway! Spreading the Placebo greatness one person at a time! 

My damn legs are still twitching at night. What the hell!!!!! 

My hands feel a bit trembley today. Im not sure what the deal is with that?