My heart needs a coat of paint

So, here I am, sitting on the Balcony of my mums apartment, over looking the glorious sunshine, and listening to the wildlife.

Let me start at the beginning I guess.
Leaving Point Clare was hard, so so so hard, saying goodbye to Vicki without needing to 
bawl into her shoulder was bad enough the night before,and I managed to hold most of my shit together that morning that I left.
I did cry myself to sleep the night before, lol, but I digress.
Isaac and I went and did Coffee and walked the dogs in Gosford city, then came home and I packed the last of my stuff and got myself sorted for the drive, while he checked my car.
I sat upstairs for a bit and started to cry up there, just looking around and I wrote Ike a letter that I left on his bed.

I came down stairs and gave Shadow a cuddle, patted her ears, rubbed her belly.
Called my little man, Mojo and gave him a talking to about looking after Papa and nana and George, and that I would see him soon, and to be a good boy.
(the relationships you have with your dogs…)
Then I called George, and he came trotting over, got him into his usual cuddle position and lost it… 
I sobbed into his poor furry shoulder.  I just love that dog.  Love him like he is my own, and there will be no dog that comes close to being a George.

I put him down, and he actually went and lay under the table, I hugged Ike, he was crying , I was bawling…
I went to walk out the door and Mojo was sitting on the couch and George came out from the table, looking l at me, like…"where are you going, this isn’t normal"
So I gave them another cuddle.
I said Goodbye to Ike, so hard.  More on him later.

I had to stop just out of their house, to have a bit of a breakdown.
Was ok most of my trip to Ballina, got there about 8pm, and had something to eat and a bath, watched tv, I fell asleep to the tv going, because the room was just so quiet.
I had realised that that was the first night I have spent alone in 8 years… totally alone with no man, or no dog, or no company.
And even then, I only spent 2 weeks on my own, when I first moved to Australia, and Tracie was waiting for her sister to give birth before she came over.
It had been so long since I was completely alone, it was horrible.  Lonely, way to quiet.
Drove to Bundaberg the next day, Bagara, stayed in a really nice massive apartment on the beach, had a huge spa which I made use off, opened a bottle of wine and drank half of that while I sat on the balcony.
But again, I had to go wondering at 8.30pm, coz my head was buzzing and I was lonely..  Had to escape my own thoughts.
Drove to Mackay the next day, passed a horrific accident about 2 hours out of Mackay, and I had never been so glad to get somewhere.
The van and truck I passed where completely smashed, and there was a man sitting behind the steering wheel of the red van, which had no roof left,
staring into space and had a towel wrapped around his head and bleeding everywhere.  I’ll never forget his blank face.
I started shaking when I passed it, and had to pull over a few hundred metres down the road just to pull myself together.
Its just so scary, and you don’t really think about it.  I  could stop every few hours, and be drinking red bull and taking no doze to remain as alert as I could be, 
but thats only half of the accident, and you trust so many others to not be taking risks as well.  But what can you do.  Just hope you get there ok…

I had to have some contact with Isaac, I text him, and told him about the accident, I’m not sure what I was after, just some caring words I think,
and he did a good job of calming me, knowing my history helped I guess, at least knowing more about James than Aaron, but knowing that I had been involved in bad accidents.
It really shook me up…. and I was super glad to be in Mackay.  I even had subway for dinner, because I didn’t want to get in my car again that night…. lol.
If you knew how much  detested "subway" you would know how shook up I was…. 

I only drove as far a Townsville the next day, I just needed a break, and an early stop, got there about 2pm, walked down the beach, ordered a scoop of chips and feed them to the seagulls.  Locked myself in my room (working drunk guys staying next door and talked to Mark for an hour or so…
Left for Port at 6am the following morning, and got here about 1-2pm.  On my way into Port, leaving Cairns, I cried.  Not sure way, Its like it was familar and almost like stepping back, but wasn’t where I was supposed to be, last time I was here, it was with Ike, and Port has so much history to it for me.
And I was actually having to admit that my life has completley changed, totally changed over the past 3 months, & I have to deal with it.

I really did want to spend my life with Isaac, and when I met him I was so sure that he was it.  I would have done anything for him, I just thought he was so beautiful.
And although I knew it was ending, and I had even planned on doing it myself before he ended it, I still loved him, I still would have given everything to have made it work.

And finally coming into Port and knowing that that was it, my life with him was over, that I have to try and embrace whatever is going on for everything to have changed, and trust that this has all happened for a reason.  Lets face it, its all happened quiet strangly.

_ I broke up with Ike
_ I Got dragged into the office and was secretly told that I would probably loose my job after my probabtion ended, as they were getting rid of all chefs.
_ It was one day before I was about to sign a 12 month lease for an apartment.
_ I look online that day, one job has been posted on Seek for a chef, in Port Douglas, in 2 weeks, it was posted 15 minutes before, I print it off and apply for it that night.
_ I get offered the job 4 days later.
_ The day I leave Point Clare, Mum texts me to say she mentioned to someone I was coming and they have offered me there house to rent, 2 bedrroms, 2 bathrooms, redone     bathrooms and kitchen, happy for me to have 2 dogs there, its 2 minutes walk to work…

All very odd…

I still feel grief and sadness over the pregnancy.  I think something to myself everyday, that I could be about 13 weeks pregnant….  I have yet to get to the stage where I know I made the best decision, (if I ever do…)
I am pretty sure that Isaac won’t think anything come March, that he won’t realise that march 10th I should / could have been having our baby.

I don’t know what will happen to my relationship with Ike.  I really don’t.  I asked him not to fade away, I don’t know if he will, or if he will remain apart of my life.
He still has Mojo, and I have to arrange to get him here once I have a place to live… and I have also put my name down for a Cocker Spaniel, which I am trying to get Ike to arrange for me.  I might go down and pick him up myself once he is born, but once thats over, I’m not sure what will happen to us.

I still love him, sure… my love is changing, its different, but I do love him, and I trust that he loves me too, and he will always be somewhere special in my heart… as I hope that I will be, to him.

So here I am.  I spent today having an awesome coffee ( not as good as Central Espresso) at Tommy Bahama’s, and brousing the shops before lying on the beach and having a swim.
I’m already gathering color back into my skin, and eating better. 
I start work on Wednesday.

But its weird, its hard, it feels sad and lonely and like something is missing, 
its alot of the past, but now is going to be the future, nothing has changed, but so much of my life has…

I don’t much enjoy it. All this change, &  I kinda feel like I am just hanging on for the ride.

So thats Kip right now,  constantly moving.