For you

I wish my life were different.

Ever since I was 22 years old, I have wanted you in my life. I always dreamed that one day you would be here, and my life would be cheery and rosy and filled with love and laughter, as I thought that’s what my life deserved after the crappy childhood I had. I figured that’s what I had coming to me… love and laughter.
I was in a relationship where the man I was with used me as his own personal punching bag whenever things didn’t go the way he wanted. I was sitting outside on the back step watching his 2 year old play in her nappy, and I nursing a broken nose, thinking one day I will get what I deserve to have. I just have to go through this right now, but if I remain strong, I will get some good in my life.
Then I was in a car accident that killed a friend of mine that I loved like a brother.
I reached for the stereo and all I remember is his hand on my arm, and waking up to black and white, with some guy kicking in my window and yelling at me, but I couldn’t hear him, I lay in a ambulance stretcher and watched the grey ambo lights twirl around and my “brother” getting covered up by a blanket.
I had his handprint bruised on my arm for 3 weeks.
I ran away in the middle of dealing with my nana getting cancer because she told me I had to go, and I couldn’t wait in NZ for her to die. She called me one afternoon and told me to book a ticket back to New Zealand, she said to me, if something happened the she wanted me to know that I was her favourite grandchild. I told her I wasn’t ready to be without her yet, and she asked how much longer I wanted her to stay. I said “another 20 or 30 years” and she laughed and laughed. I did get there in time.
I’m not too sure what she would say if I rang her up and told her about you. I am pretty sure she would tell me to come home and deal with it. And she would start knitting… 

I married a man, and knew I wasn’t in love with him.
I had to end it only one year later. I crushed him, and myself in the process. And made some very stupid mistakes.
Remain strong.

I held James head together after I came across his car on the south neck of Bruny Island. I lied to his mum about how he died, I told her he looked peaceful, that he wasn’t in pain, that there wasn’t much blood, that he wasn’t conscious. That he didn’t have any external injuries that I could see…
I lied Donna, he wasn’t peaceful at the start, he was in pain, there was so much blood, I was soaked in it, he was conscious, his head was broken Donna. It was broken.

She would want me to have you too. She is always asking me when I am going to give her, her next grandchild. She would love you like her own, she’s a bit rough around the edges poppyseed, but you would have loved her. She would be the one taking you to get your first hangover, and your first tattoo. Probably on the same night.

There’s more.
More in my earlier years, banging on walls, sneaking out to escape the beating I could hear through the house, the glass on my throat and lying on my back on a broken mirror. The man with the budgies and what he did to me. Yes there is more.
But, you see that’s why I am so angry at what is happening now.
I am 35 years old, and reason why you are not going to get a chance in this life has boiled down to 2 things, support and money, and that just breaks my heart in two. You see I do want you. I want you more than anything, 
I truly truly do. I have dreamt of this moment, of those 2 pink lines, and now I have them, I am 34 years old, and can’t finally have what I want.
I need support poppyseed, I need love and laughter around me, do you understand?
I need to bring you into a world that is so much different than the one I was brought into. And right now its not going to be.
I want you to have everything I couldn’t have, not toys or things but support and care and love and not stress, and not me being at work just to survive. I owe over $30,000 poppyseed, I can’t take things away from you because of that.
Your Dad can’t support you, I know he would love you, he would, and both of your nanas would love you, and you would be riding George like a pony and pulling Mo’s ears, but I just can’t do this now.
I touch my tummy and I am absolutely heartbroken that I have to lose you.

If I was better off financially, if our life wasn’t going to be a huge struggle, if I had a village around me to take care of you things would be so different.
I am so sorry. I know that I am treating you badly right now. I know this isn’t the way things need to be for you, but I just can’t do any differently.
This isn’t what I want to do, I hope you understand.
I hope this doesn’t reflect badly on me, and you don’t think that I want you, because I do, I just want what’s absolutely the best for you.
Please give me another chance. I need you to give me another chance, because if you don’t, this will just crush me to the core.

I am so sorry poppyseed.
I want you, but I just have to let you go.

I have to ramain strong, because if I don’t whats the point of it all…