Phonenix

What shall I write about.
I have all these thoughts, but once I click write entry, my minds goes blank.

Its been 2 days without crying today.  I am proud of myself for that.
Considering on Tuesday I thought I was going to drive my car under a truck.

On Monday (which would have been our anniversary) we spend the day in Sydney together.. it was ok, nice to spend the day with him, but I was still feeling low, still angry and upset, still finding it hard to look at him.
Tuesday, I can’t even remember what happened, but on the way to work, on the f3 freeway, driving at 110kms, I started crying, bawling, sobbing, big ugly 2 year old sobs…. I couldn’t see anymore, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, why I was here, what I had done, why everything that once seemed so perfect,  to be so shit now.
Why the man who I was head over heels with, who called me honeypants and drew "I Heart U " on my body,
Just didn’t love me anymore….

It was over, I had to pull up on the side of the road.
I sat there for half an hour, waiting for a cop to pull in behind me, while I sobbed and sobbed.

I was given a warning at work, my day went from shit to shitfull, and I found myself thinking about the logistics of how fast I would have to be travelling to drive my car, and at what angle into the rock wall.  Or how fast both myself and the truck would have to be travelling…
 So I thought it best that I just didn’t drive home that night…
So what did I do, I sat in my car at the world square carpark and tried to sleep… tried not to think about Ike and I, tried not to think about what was to come…

So yeah.  My brush with giving up.

I last cried when I was knocked back for a personal loan to consilidate my debts.
I want to move out, as soon as possible, its hard to live with a man that doesn’t love you the way you want.
But the day I move out, and the first week or so after will be hell.
I know that.
I am going to miss Ike and Vicki and George more than my heart can even imagine…
……

Its my friday today.

I am going to Sydney to have dumplings and go to a movie with a friend tomorrow, that should be nice.
And Caedy is rapidly text messaging me like a bandit at the moment, she is in some bar, making eyes at the female bar chick…
Shes so funny, and actually in the same place I am, she broke up with her ex, and is still living with her, 3 months later.

Hopefully I want be here in 3 months…
Not that I don’t want to be, but not like this.
shes going to be a good friend, trouble, but good.
 Thats it for now.

I still hurt.
I still love him.
I still want this to be different.

But I’ll be ok.

Kipper