November

You know… i’m a terrible journal writer.  Everyone is doing this november journaling month and it inspired me to at least write once this month.  I was reading old entries and i realized that i bitch and moan a lot.  Or that i did anyway.  My life is more in my control lately i think. 
To catch up:
When i last wrote i was in a relationship with Josh.  Not "The one" but he tried to be a good guy.  i was speaking to Zakk again and there was significant chemistry.  I feel like i painted him in an unfortunate light… As i guess you could expect because i was angry at him.  Who isn’t angry after a breakup right?  Well since then…  I left Josh.  I realized that if i was really happy in the relationship i wouldn’t have ever considered Zakk… And i wasn’t.  Mostly the jealousy thing, but also the future thing.  I just didn’t like the future i saw with him.  And i didn’t love him enough to deal with that.   So i left him.   It was hard and rough and i did miss him…  because i didn’t hate him.  I really liked him.  I just didn’t want to lead him on any longer and i couldn’t lie to him and say that i could see us together forever, like he wanted me to.  He told me that he never wanted to see me again.  and i haven’t seen him since.  He didn’t even let me tell him in person.
Zakk and i talked for a long time.  He wanted to get back together.  And i missed him, and felt the chemistry, but i was wary of jumping into things… but in July i went to see him at Camp Lejeune, NC where he was and is stationed.  It was like it always was.  I never stopped loving him entirely… I just stopped seeing him, so when i saw him again it was magic.  And he, having realized he made the mistake of his life, vowed to never take what we have for granted again.  We’ve been back together since and we’re very much in love. 
I think our relationship has grown.  and as much as the breakup hurt, i think that if we’re going to get married someday, we needed that breakup to work out the issues we had. I learned how to be fine on my own and he learned how to need me. 
He’s preparing for his first deployment in a few months.  an almost yearlong MEU.  I really can’t tell you details, such as where and exactly when.  I’m preparing too.  Learning how to miss him without missing him so much i can’t take it.  He’s in the field for 10 days.  We’re on day 2 of no communication and i’m still alive… we’ll see how it goes.  In 12 days i fly out to see him for the first time since July.  I’m so excited.  We both are. 
Anyway, I just wanted anyone who still reads me to know that my life isn’t bad.  In fact it’s beautiful.  It’s not easy.  but it’s happy.

crystal