the benefits of disuse

the fact that i haven’t used this blog for a long time is an advantage to me now because i know no one i’m wiriting about will know about it.  for new comers and old friends who’ve forgottend a quick recap.  6 months ago, my fiance, Zakk, decided that UTD, where we were both going to school, was not what he wanted.  He misplaced his unhappiness on our relationship and left me as well as school to join the marine corps.  As soon as he’d finalized his decision to leave school he felt better and told me he still loved me but i didn’t beleive him.  this was just the last straw in our tumultous relationship. I started dating a guy named josh and didn’t see zakk again.  We wrote letters while he was in boot camp but i only did because i had promised.  After he got out of boot camp we didn’t speak for a long time.  about a month ago i told josh i love him.  It’s pretty impossible to be with someone for this long and not start to feel that way you know?  Anyway, a few weeks after zakk got out of boot camp he started texting me again.  at first i was annoyed.  or at least i didn’t really care.  But i’ve been visiting my parents in ocean springs for a week and we went to florida for the weekend and things just piled up to make me think of him.  and miss him.  and the thing is he says that he hate’s not being with me and he’s mine if i ever would give him another chance.  and Josh… is great.  but he doesn’t give me the butterflies.  and i got butterflies just thinking about kissing zakk goodbye on the cheek. 
I still don’t know what i would do if i did see him again… but i’d like to.  not soon… but someday.  and when i do… i’d like to be unattached so i can do whatever i feel like.  even if it’s nothing still.  and i find myself thinking about konstantine… in all the senses it meant to us.

God! this is hard.  the plan is: go home. be with josh. go back to not thinking about it.  and if zakk comes to visit have coffee.