bodyimage #1

so… it’s been a long time since i’ve written.  i suppose in happier times i abandon opendiary.  unfortunately, here i am again. 
things with zakk and i fell apart.  it’s been a while since it happened so you needn’t worry about my emotional state.  i’m doing ok now.  we’re still friends, but half the time he puts me in a bad mood.  if you must know, he ended things and for a month i was in the darkest place i’ve ever been.  but i’ve put away the pain now and i’m trying out a new me.  unfortunately in all of the stress and trouble i abandoned my excercise habits and turned to the comfort of junk food… not good. 
i’m dating now.  a few people, and yes… i still go on dates with zakk sometimes.  but not so much anymore because he is increasingly jealous of the fact that i’m dating other people, which can be infuriating because he is, after all, the one who ended things.  but whatever.  i’m dating this guy Josh, who out of all of the guys, i think i like most.  and he seems to be a good guy.  we’ll see, i’m home for a month now which means i wont see him or any of the others until january.  if there’s still something there when i get back maybe i’ll look into ditching the other guys in favor of just one.  who knows.
my real purpose for writing today is to outline some goals.  i want to look really good in my clothes, so i’m going to try really hard to go on a strict weight losing/muscle building diet and excercise plan.  I’m going to try to write every day and write down what i’ve eaten and how much i’ve excercised.  it’s going to get really boring for a while… but you don’t have to read it.  i’ll just title the ones that don’t say anything interesting with "bodyimage" and the date. 

Time to be honest:
current weight: 138
goal weight: 110
current height: 5’2" (i know i grew, neat huh?)
calories for the day: about a billion
junk food: 3 tacos and a bunch of candy
glasses of water: like 3 but i’m drinking a bottle right now.
excercise: ran/walked about a mile

Things i can do instead of compusively eating:
practice guitar
read my bible
read other books
play with my cat
write poetry
listen to music
practice vocal excercises
EXCERCISE
talk to my friends
write on OD/myspace
generally better myself.

this means no more sitting on my ass all day in front of the TV. 

strangely, if you want to see good in all the bad, i’m feeling a lot more like my old self lately.  all of the giddy weirdness where i don’t think about everything in great detail is no longer a problem.

i suppose i could continue to write about life and how i feel…
So last night i was feeling pretty low.  Zakk came over to my house in the morning and his attitude put me in a bad mood.  he’s been really rude lately.  i know a lot of it has to do with jealousy, but he also grabs me all the time like he still has a right to and it’s really annoying.  i’m pretty much over those antics.  so i took him to his house and went bowling with my sister and a couple of her friends.  it was neat i guess.  i’m really starting to like hanging out with my sister.  she’s gotten really cool. we went out to dinner and then came home and chilled on the couch.  Josh was texting me all day and i was afraid for a while that i had been too responsive texting back and he was losing intrest (( insecurities that i have yet to shake)) but my worries have been eased. 
today i went shopping with my family.  it was awesome.  there was a huge sale at belk and i got so much really nice clothes for only 90 dollars.  i got like 5 sweaters, a button down shirt, one of those tops that’s half button down and half sweater, a pants and jacket suit set, and a pair of black bermuda shorts.  all super cute.  i’m so excited.
Tomorrow i have to go speak to my parents music pastor about singing a special music song some time next week or the week after.  i hope he says yes, i’d really like to share this song with the congregation.  it’s just beautiful.
anyway, i suppose i’ll talk more later.

crystal