tearful goodbyes

<sniffles>  A lot has happened since i last wrote.  Both actually and emotionally.  but it all boils down to this…  <deep breath>  I dont wanna go.  I dont want to leave now.  I’m so happy with Zakk right now and leaving…. it’s just going to ruin everything.  I don’t want to miss him so much.  And i don’t want to lose him.  and i’m afraid that’s exactly what’s going to happen.  He really cares about me too.  he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me on purpose.  but he’s the kind of guy that flirts with everyone just because he needs for people to like him.  I know that and I’m not completely ok with it but i wouldn’t be freaking out about it except that i’m going to be 600 miles away and i wont be able to compete.  It may mean nothing to him when he flirts but it makes the girls really start to "like like" him and then they start flirting back and using all of their charms and then he starts to actually like them back and then we have an ugly situation.  He wont promise to stay faithful to me because he doesn’t want to disapoint me should something happen and he wants me not to hold myself back on his account.  But he does say that a part of him wants to stay single and wait for me and a big part of me wants that too.  I don’t know exactly what i’m saying here… we talked about it all last night and it made more sense to me then.  of course i cried because we realized that with our busy schedules that last night may be the last time we see each other for a long time.

He’s just important to me.  Much more important to me than anyone else.  I don’t want him to be with other people because i don’t want to feel bad about being with him when i come back.  i don’t want him to be leftovers.  I don’t think it would make me stop loving him but it would make me feel really bad.  Even just the stuff that i’ve already forgiven him makes me feel bad and i’ve known about it for a long time.  I really think it will always make me feel bad.  I’m sure it will fade some but i think it will always be there and it will always hurt even if it’s just every now and then.

anyway, i just really really don’t want to say goodbye to him.

crystal