Huge Announcement!!!

 Alright ladies (and occasional gents), I’ve got two big confessions for ya. Here they are:

1. A few months ago while I was in California reading for a psychology class I came across an article about a study tying undiagnosed ADHD with Bulimia. Color me skeptical and rolling my eyes. Luckily enough, I happened to be living with a huge network of psychologists! I did a bit more research only to find that there are numerous studies with this same finding. Upon consulting a friend of 5 years (the mom of 4 special needs kids I used to live with weeks at a time while she was out of town at work) she rolled her eyes and said "I could’ve told you that." Anyway, long story short, I rolled my eyes and went about my day the way any skeptical midwestern Catholic farmer-raised child would. 

Fast forward a few months and I feel some of my Bulimic urges returning and am very careful to take care of myself and NOT let myself fall victim to this disorder again. So I make an appt with my PC Dr. just because I love her and she’s awesome. And I go in and we get to chatting (I guess I use her as a therapist vs. an actual dr. sometimes, haha!) and somehow the studies I read come up and I roll my eyes and she shrugs and says she’ll make me an appt with a psychiatrist, because what’s the harm in just thinking about it? So, last Thursday I met with my first psychiatrist ever. We talked and she delved into my childhood behaviors and my problems with school mainly, but also social interactions. Anyone who’s studied psych knows about the DSMV (the bible of mental disorders, etc) and how they have lists of criteria for each disorder and they say if you have X amount of those on the list it’s likely that you have it, etc. Anyway… out of an entire list of 8 or so items, I exhibited all but one regarding social interactions. And when you delve into it, I overcome my social issues by being a completely sarcastic, witty asshole which some people gravitate to and which helps me with dealing with the fact that I’m pretty socially retarded. Also, all of my past behaviors were spot-on for something like that anyway- constantly in trouble in school for things as small as just tapping my fingertips or shoe on the desks, etc. 

ANYHOO. So, the Dr. formally diagnosed me with adult ADHD that was undiagnosed all through my childhood. The treatment as almost everyone knows, is a stimulant like Ritalin or Adderall or Concerta. She prescribed me methylphenidate, which is the medical name for Ritalin. I started last Thursday on a small does, then doubled it after 3 days. The first time I took the higher dose I wanted to die. It was SO bad. The next day I took the meds again and I felt just dandy. 

I’m skeptical about the whole thing. In Boulder I wrote an entire dissertation about prescribing Ritalin for children and how it was bullshit for my Biological Psych class. I rolled my eyes when she diagnosed me. I told her I was skeptical and didn’t know how likely I was to keep up with the medication. She told me that while that it was something I could probably live without, it WOULD help me with my problems with school, and the reason she didn’t feel bad with diagnosis is because some of the side effects such as appetite suppressing and increased focus would actually help with my weight loss goals as well. I see that. And it’s true- the medicine says not to each for 45-60 minutes after you take it so it can fully absorb. If I try to eat ANYTHING in that timeframe, it feels like a big nasty tasteless blob on my tongue and cheeks. Seriously! The first time I felt that it was SUCH a weird feeling. I could put a perfect bite of chocolate cake with a whipped topping and freaking caramel drizzled over it and still almost literally gag! After that time frame, I’m still never hungry.

Because I’m working with what’s probably an addiction to food, I eat a lot and don’t ever feel hungry. So I’ve been working on overcoming that. There’s really no other explanation for how I immediately walk into the kitchen when I walk in the door of the house, right? So this medicine really is helping with that issue. I’m aware that I could go all day without my stomach growling when I take this medicine. So I very mindfully eat a small, well-balanced meal  a few times a day when I remember and make sure to stay above 1000 calories for the day just so I stay healthy. But sometimes that’s hard to do! I’m still weighing how I feel while taking it and how I feel not taking it and benefits v. risk etc right now, but I’m coming to terms. And the stigma attached to it and my skepticism and everything weighs on me. The fact that when I look back at my productivity in the week I’ve taken it and how it’s astronomical compared to usual, but the only difference I feel is being not hungry, it seems like the right decision for now! 

All of this is an intro to my next big announcement, because I think it will actually help in my endeavor. Get ready…..

I’M REGISTERED FOR THE FEBRUARY DISNEYWORLD PRINCESS HALF-MARATHON!!!

So there’s that…. Ha! Seriously! I have 20 weeks to prepare with one of my girlfriends who’s also on a weight-loss journey. She lost about 50 lbs and her mom bought her a tummy tuck last fall afterwards. She’s not a skinny mini by any means, but she’s on the same trail as I am and I’m just SO excited. She has a personal trainer and I’m meeting with a nutritionist and trainer next week recommended by my PCP because the carb-loading and diet nuances that’re typical for a runner don’t really coincide for weight loss at the same time. So… I’m really doing it! I’d love any advice and help and instruction from anyone who’s done this thing. I’ve just recently discovered I even have the ability to run! I know I have an issue in my stride- I can tell I keep my left leg almost straight when I run and do all the movement work with my right. I notice the differences in strength with my legs when I’m doing yoga too (BTW, body by Bethenny, from the Real Housewives I tried for the first time the other day and it’s the first time I’ve felt SUPER sore the day after. It’s great and she’s also a sarcastic asshole even during the workout so I dig it more then all that sunshine and rainbows bullshit). (It’s free on cable’s OnDemand feature if you have Comcast like my fam. 

I’m SO excited. I feel like this is the final push. I’m going to be brutally honest here and say that the highest weight I ever saw on a scale was 318. I weighed myself the morning after a huge drinking bender and late-night eating and mid-morning McGriddles with my girlfriends and almost died. I didn’t weigh myself for m

onths on end after that. My formal guess is that I could’ve even been as high as 325 lbs for a few weeks thereafter. The point is… the last time I weighed myself formally (a few weeks ago) i was at around 267. I’ve done this by sporadically exercising and really reigning in both my Bulimia and my horrific eating. I’ve maintained for the months on end where I don’t do any exercise or have any care for my physical well-being, which I feel is the most important thing. And I’ll get motivated for a month or two and lose another 10 lbs, and then drop off to just maintaining again. I’ve felt for a long time that I needed a serious push to get me to lose the final bit of weight I want to lose. I’ve toyed with a personal trainer or actual classes in the back of my head for a long time, but wasn’t willing to put that large of a portion of my income into weightloss. I feel like this could be it!

To be honest, I’m the true embodiment of ‘big-boned,’ not the excuse people use. For example, a regulation airline seat is 17 inches across. My shoulders from one end of the bone to the other are 16.5 inches across. See where I’m going with this? I have that complete build of a German mountaineer that my ancestors needed for survival. That being said, the usual BMI rankings don’t really ‘work’ for me as per my Dr.s. They all say that I do still fall into the category of obese by the books, but according to my build am overweight. If you look at the charts, my ‘ideal’ weight is between 150-175! Anything over 175 is supposed to be overweight! Judging by the fact that my muscles are big enough to support me moving a couch or a kitchen table by myself. And there’s no BMI calculator for a DD cup!!! Ha. So my ideal weight in my head has always been 198 lbs. For some reason all through highschool and my adult life that’s been my ‘ideal’ weight. I know that seems horrific for a lot of you! But unless after I lose the rest of my fat and then wait around for my muscles to deteriorate there’s no possible way for me to get below that!

Anyway, I feel like this is my ticket. If I lose 2 lbs a week (I’ve never had those sorts of goals and I still don’t… but just being realistic about how much running and cross-training I’ll be doing every effing week and almost every DAY) it’s just unrealistic to think that I won’t be losing that much really… anyway, in losing only 2 lbs a week, I’ll be almost all the way to my goal by the time this race happens. I’m also really realistic about the fact that I might see that number on the scale only once and bounce back up another 10 lbs because that’s where my body feels healthy. I know that I won’t ‘know’ what my feel-good weight is until I’m there. But more than anything, I know I will have never felt better than when I’m standing in fucking Disneyworld in fucking Florida after having finished running 13 miles at one time when I used to weigh over 300 fucking lbs, with no help from anyone but myself!