MIA

Wow-y. I can’t write in here regularly to save my ass. I try, but can’t. I read diaries like, every freaking single day, and always forget to write. Let’s see what I can remember to tell:

I started yesterday, Tuesday, watching my new premie baby. Yay!!! He’s adorable, and knock-on-wood, a relatively easy baby. He’s sweet and soft and smiley. He really only frowns and seems upset when he’s waiting to blow a big load of gas… As soon as that passes he’s all grins and coos. He’s so sweet. He lives in an awesome neighborhood for exercise, and that’s got me so excited. I tried to figure out the Moby (Mobie?) carrier/wrap thing, and it was just NOT happening. I even stood in front of the mirror for about 30 minutes wrapping and re-wrapping it, and employed the help of a freaking stuffed bunny to stand-in for sleeping Squirmy. Didn’t help. I need help. Anyway, we took a 15-minute walk to get us acquainted, in his half-assed wrap, and about 3 minutes in I just carried him instead. My lower back was saying EFF you when we got back, because of the hill I went up/down with baby in tow. I had to hold him cradled in my arm in a specific way to shield him from the sun, so that was the source of the drama. I love him already.

I am… really on track to lose amazing amounts of weight. Every day for the past 3 weeks except maybe 3, I’ve worked out to some extent. A minimum of 20 minutes on the treadmill (I vary up and down between 3 and 5.5 mph, but never dip between 3). My major goal is an hour of cardio exercise a day, at least two seperate sessions to really rev my metabolism. So the easiest way is to drag myself out of bed and walk 30 feet to my treadmill, and get on it for at least 20 minutes. Then I have the WHOLE day to complete the rest of my requirement, and I get that initial kick to my metabolism. The other day I had the best workout I’d ever had in my life. I’d been working out every day, then didn’t for 2, and the day I got back on mid-day, and it was AWESOME. I can feel my endurance getting better every single day, and I was able to easily run 4.5-5mph for 2 or 3 minute intervals every 5 minutes, like an in-between jog/walk. And keep it up for 35 minutes without slowing. It doesn’t seem like something major, but it really is for me. I’m on my way to a 13.5 minute mile in no time! And today alone, I got on the treadmill barefoot for 18 minutes straight out of bed (I mean literally, got up, hadn’t even peed, walked to the treadmill, got on) and that felt nice. I read somewhere that if you can, it’s good to do some low-impact stuff barefoot every once in a while I dont remember what it’s good for, but I did it. Then I took Nugget for a walk with my  friend Nikki’s rottweiler Bishop (Sidenote, I’ll update on him soon, he’s AWESOME and I’ve never met a rottie i appreciated before him, he’s a German so he’s even bigger and heavier then usual) not too long, maybe 15-20 minutes, but a couple of times I ran with them up a hill and back down it to meet Nikki who was walking, then run away and back again. Then, lastly, I came down here to watch The Challenge on MTV (I’m a RR junkie, so naturally these fill my cravings with past housemates until a new season comes on) and did a whole 25 minutes. Then I did weights, maybe 4 sets of repitions of 15 each of the thing where you pull the bar down, you pull the bar down behind your head, you push the thing out like a reverse row, you stand and pull the bar down, and the leg lift thing. And the butterfly on a lower weight, because I can’t do that shit for anything! I’m on a very-kind of-ish strict diet 🙂 of roughly 1800 or less calories a day and feel great. Wii fit says I lost 3 lbs this week!

I didn’t have to work today, so I spent the day running errands to the hospital! My diablo, the baby I watched for a year and who I still regularly visit and consider family, was checked into inpatient care after a health check yesterday. His adenoids and tonsils are practically swelling his throat closed…And he has severe sleep apnea. Together, these things are making him hardly sleep at ALL. Pobrecito. I love him, and it broke my heart. I brought his momma je’e coffee and breakfast from Starbucks this am, and then went to her house to pick up some things like her phone charger for her, and totally tripped the burglary system. I worked in their house almost every day for like, 13 months… and never once set it off. I know the verbal password for when they call, but I somehow couldn’t remember the actual code to type in. Super funny, they kept calling and I couldn’t find a phone. I mean, I knew the garage code AND had an effing key, so CHEESE AND RICE. Anyway, I’ll stop by tomorrow after I get off work. My poor baby.

My baby brother turned 2 on Monday. And his birthday party was Sunday. It was TERRIBLE. I could’ve died. Katie started a huge drama in the morning because she couldn’t find her freaking straightener. She accused me of stealing it in front of Susan’s whole family and the whole thing was ruined for me.

I guess I haven’t updated about the whole drama. Two Saturdays ago, she got in this HUGE yelling match with me because she hates Nugget. And she was going to lock him in a CAT kennel that had a foot of snow on top of it in the backyard because she locked him in the basement while I napped and he wanted to come upstairs since I was being boring and sleeping, so he started whining. REALLY? He’s an effing puppy. So in the middle of said fight, she SERIOUSLY says to me- "Oh yea, really? Well, I’m not the loser who lives in my Dad’s basement and isn’t doing shit with my life, AM I? Yea, go back to your hole, you’re a fucking loser." This might not SOUND like something huge, but to preface this statement- my single best friend in my life to this point, was my sister. I confide everything in her, and vice versa. I’ve been her mother since I was 14. We have a HUGE bond. And a few months ago, I confided in her that I have never felt more mentally unstable in my life, and that I wake up every morning wishing I wouldn’t take another breath because I feel like a huge loser that I have to wait until the summer for classes to start and that I live in my dad’s birthday even if it’s just so that I can finish my freaking degree. I know I have goals and stuff, but I just had a rough few months. And she SAYS that to me.

I called my dad freaking out because I needed support NOW and he wasn’t off work for a few more hours. I sat on my bed sobbing with snot running down my face, bloodshot, my brother never leaving the room because he was afraid I’d shoot myself or something. I had never EVER gotten one of those headaches where from the top of your forehead to the back of your eyes is just shooting pains and throbbing. When he got home he just sat me down, between sobs I told him what happened, and he did something he’s never done before- he repeated a prayer/saying/quote to me. He never does that unless it’s a history lesson he’s giving. He said the serenity prayer. He told me I should be proud that I’ve got big goals and I’m working hard for them and doing whatever it takes, even if it means living here and taking shit daily from his hopefully soon-to-be-ex wife and takes-after-my-mother daughter. And it really meant a lot to me. I might not have a single close female family member (in my stunning family of 3, my brother, sister and dad, th

e baby’s too young to talk) but the men in my life are phenomenal. My brother has helped me through this trauma SO much, and dad said what I needed to hear. They are awesome.

What else?

I’ll think on it tonight and write more tomorrow.