Rules for Guys to Live By

These are rules that, until now, have been unwritten. My responses follow immediately after each rule.

1. Thou shall not rent the movie “Chocolat.”

I REALLY don’t know any WOMEN that have a desire to see this movie.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Bring your own or wear a hat.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

What goes on at the bachelor party STAYS at the bachelor party. That’s all there is to it.

4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

The correct response is: “You’ll have to ask HIM about that.”

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Exception: A buddy in the drunk tank is not eligible for this rule.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

Do so at your own risk. Women are not stupid and can usually tell when you’re bullshitting.

7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

This rule should be stricken from the record. There should be no prohibition on dating a guy’s sister, HOWEVER the friend is to be informed of your intentions well in advance, so that termination of the friendship can be an option.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Lateness is part of life. Either wait or don’t, but don’t complain about the consequences of your decision. Grab a beer and relax.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

100% accurate!

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

Exception 1: Any self-respecting man will remember the birthdays of family members close female friends.

Exception 2: Beer is an acceptable birthday present for any male friend whose birthday you happen to be aware of.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Exception: There will be a predetermined time limit on each hook-up attempt (not to exceed two (2) hours). If, at the end of the prescribed time, your friend is too inept to have gotten the girl, all bets are off.

12. Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

Any friend who puts himself in the situation to go through the same hell you went through with your ex is an idiot, and is therefore on his own.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

Questions are 110% OK in my book. I love a woman who wants to learn. A woman who does not have knowledge of sports is permitted if she demonstrates an interest to learn OR in the event she doesn’t want to learn, she refrains from comments like, “This is stupid,” “It’s only a game…what’s the big deal?” “He’s cute,” etc.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.

Agreed.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

Pizza is also acceptable if beer is included.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.

Cats are the devil.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s significant others — low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

Total BS. There shall be no law requiring friendships between people that do not occur naturally.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

Absolutely!

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

Definitely.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

Even then…no.

21. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

Exception: Fighting is acceptable if the other fighters are naked women. But under no circumstances is a man allowed to RUN naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

This goes without saying.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”,then you may sit back and enjoy.

A ten (10) minute time limit is to be imposed on any beatdown of a deserving friend. After that time, you are obligated to rescue your friend.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

If you must take both, you must buy the next six pack.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

Never compliment a guy’s six-pack in any form.

26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.

THANK YOU!

27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him. (Exception: This is allowed if y