Suffocation, no breathing…
Today. Has been horrible.
As was last night.
As will the rest of this week I’m sure.
John was having a bad night, and I was doing my best to ensure him that I wasn’t going to leave again, but nothing I said seemed to help, and nothing would make him feel better… I felt so useless.
Got way down low last night. Like, I wanted to cut again low. Talked to Gino about it. Which I don’t know how that really went… He was saying that he would cut if I did. Just like he used to years ago… And I broke. Everything in me broke. I was crying and shaking and I just couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t seem to comprehend the fact that him cutting because of me breaks me more than anything… He couldn’t comprehend why it hurt me. He didn’t understand any of it…
Fell asleep last night at I don’t even know what hour of the morning.
Work today was horrible. It was the first day of school so I got stuck cleaning out the back room, which sucked. I got attacked by spider webs… Spent an hour in the Toddler room and an hour in the Infant room. I loved being with the babies… After my break Jess and I prepared for the kids. We had over thirty of them, and none of them would fucking listen, and I just couldn’t handle it and I just sat down and ignored them. Every single one of them. I know that was wrong of me, but I couldn’t do ANYTHING. No one would listen, no one would shut up, no one would do what I told them too. I just couldn’t do it…
After work I came home. Started thinking about the text John had sent me that morning… "I’m considering going into the army…" He’s said this before, and he knows how I feel about it, and I just felt sick all day. Sick because the thought of being without him for such long periods of time tears be to bits… Decided I had to go for a walk.
Went for a walk through Belvidere park, then walked all through Spencer park and then back through Belvidere park to get home. Got home, stripped down and layed in bed. And now here I am. Thinking too much. Tearing myself down. Going over every flaw I have, every mistake I’ve made, everything I’ve seen and done and been through and I just want to be sick. I really truly do. I just want to vomit. Get every bit of food I’ve had today out of my system. Vomit until I’m skinny. Happy with my body… I just want to be okay.
Saw Gino and his girl on my walk through Spencer. I waved, kept walking. He chased me down. Gave me a hug. Asked if I was okay. I lied. He knew. Asked me to pinky promise I was okay. Held out his pinky. Kept my head down. One look in my eyes and he’d have known. He always does. That’s why I keep my eyes low when I’m with him. He doesn’t need my bullshit in his life. He gave me another hug. I told him to keep walking with his girly and he said okay. Asked for a cigarette then went on his way.
Why can’t I confide in anyone? Why can’t I open up? What’s so hard about saying "I’m going crazy inside and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it anymore. I still think of how I would kill myself. How I would tell everyone. Who I would tell. Who I would write my last words to. I’m still not okay. I’m so far from okay. Please save me." And actually LETTING someone help… What is wrong with me.
<3CaseyRenee<3