Fake it…

 Nightmares clutter my mind. Seep in like a black smoke, smothering me. Making me cough. Suffocating my screams. Pictures push through the smoke. I see him there. Standing alone. Bare. Broken. Nothing but the clothes on his back. No one to protect him. No one to help him. No one to take him in and give him a good meal. A clean bed. A hot shower. Look at his eyes. They scream. He screams. He drops down and begs to come back. Wishes he could come back. Regrets the choice he has made. And I’m right there on the sidelines. Watching it all happen. Watching him break. Yet I can’t tell him to come home. I can’t tell him that I’ll find a way to help him. I can’t speak. The smoke surrounds me. Blinds me. His silhouette disappears beneath the smoke and I’m alone. I’m alone to break. I’m alone to cry. I’m alone all over again. There is no one. No John. No Tori. No Gino. Not a soul. No one but me, my thoughts, and the monsters in my head. I scream. I scream so loud that the smoke is blown away. Then every mistake hits me at once. Chris is there. He laughs at me lying naked on the floor. Jc is there. He smiles as I fall to the ground. John is there. He breaks as I walk away from him; give my heart to someone undeserving. Gino is there. He pleads for relief. And at that moment, nothing can stop me. I hack away at myself. I watch the blood come pouring out. I smile and I laugh. No one will miss me. My heart beat starts to stutter. My breathing is shallow and short. All I can do is smile and wait. Wait for this beautiful tragedy to come to it’s final chapter. The end of the book. I wake up. Jolt awake before my last breath. Jump out of bed. Run to my garbage can. Vomit. What a glorious start to my day. My shower is short. Rushed. Too hot for my skin to handle. I drag myself through the day. Mind gone. Heart trying to keep fighting. Present, but not really THERE.

"There’s nothing left for me here."
I’m here… Don’t I matter?

Losing… Losing everything. Losing my best friend. Losing the reason I’m still alive today. Losing what kept me fighting.

"Down there, girls think I’m perfection. Obviously I’m not, but it’s nice to be thought of that way for a change."
Are you fucking blind? Honestly? You are my best friend. You are perfect to me in every aspect of the word. Perfect enough for me. Don’t you see it?

I’ve been fighting sickness since the moment I saw him last night. Fighting not to vomit. Fighting not to scream. Fighting not to break in the most beautiful of ways. I promised last night that I would resist. Say no to metallic kisses, but that was last night.

And tonight? 

That’s a whole other story.

<3CaseyRenee<3