I wish that I could have this moment for life…
So I didn’t want to write much my last entry as you can tell. So I suppose I’ll get into it now.
Where to begin. Thursday night. We will start there.
Thursday night I was up really late. Almost until four in the morning if I remember right. Gino and I were talking. He let me in his head, helped me feel his fear when he was on the streets. When he was using. When he was suffering and I wasn’t there to help him. I felt sick. I felt hurt. I felt pain I haven’t felt in a long time. I just wanted to understand, and I do now. I understand so much more of the anatomy of Gino Michael.
Friday was nice. Tori and I went and got our tattoos, and they look wonderful. Though she twitched during hers so she has to go in to get it fixed, but it still looks good. Danielle started shit as always. Stupid cunt. GOD if I knew she wasn’t such a fucking pussy ass bitch I’d lay her ass OUT. Get that cunt hospitalized… Friday night Megan had a party at Tori’s for her birthday. I got quite intoxicated, and I won’t lie, it was nice. I felt so bad though. Tori had to be DD so she was having NO fun. I wish she coulda drank with me. It would have been so much better. Saturday he told me some news though. He said he was leaving. Going to North Carolina. But now he isn’t sure he’s going to. I don’t want him to. I can’t even stomach the thought of my best friend being so far away. He said he wouldn’t have a phone or no internet, so I would never hear from him again… That shit… I don’t like. That’s when the nightmares come back because I don’t fuckin know if he’s okay or not. Like, I’ve made sure he’s kept breathing and he’s done the same for me… Not knowing for sure…. That’s going to rip me apart.
Saturday Tori and I woke up early and she took me home. I got showered and shit then Meg came over to go shopping. It was nice, being able to go out with her. We went to Hot Topic first, cuz I wanted to look for some new gauges. All was good. Went right to the jewelry cases and was lookin. Meg looked at me and goes "Are you sure you want to be here RIGHT NOW? Do you want to leave?" I was so confused so I asked her why and she says "HE’S here right now. Right behind us. Looking at shirts." My stomach drops. I can hear my blood flowing in my ears. I look. Sure as shit there he is. He looks at me. Smiles that stupid fucking smile. That cocky fucking smile. I start to shake. Start walking toward him. I’m gonna hit him. Meg grabs me and takes me out of there before shit goes down. My entire body shakes. I want to puke. I HATE the sight of him. He makes me sick. After that I was fine though. I got three new pairs of shorts, so that was cool. And some new perfume that smells fuckin AMAZING. Gotta love Victoria’s Secret haha.
We went back to Meg’s and Tori came over for a bit. We all hung out and then Tori and I left to get ready to go out to John’s. Got my shit together, got my lighter back from Joe because I left it at his house Friday when we took him home, then we were on the road. AFTER a much needed Starbucks stop of course 🙂 The drive there was nice, as always. Tori and I just talked about random shit. About everything. I love that girl.
When we got to John’s Tori decided to leave right away. She was tired from the night before. I told her I loved her and went inside with John. I got to meet some more new people this time. Caleb was there. I don’t know if that’s how you spell his name but whatever haha. He’s John’s little brother. And I thought John had an accent… Caleb’s accent is thick as fuck haha. He seems like a good kid. And sissy had a friend over so I got to meet her. Kelsey I think? I dunno. But John and I just layed in his bed for a while after I got there. Went down to socialize and whatnot, hung out outside. The usual. Twas nice. Dinner was cooked on the grill haha. My favorite. I wasn’t hungry though so it sucked haha. We sat outside last night and looked up at the moon. My mom said it was supposed to be the biggest moon we’ve had all year, so I was so happy that I got to be with John for that. I love the way he looks in the pale moonlight. Breathtaking. More so that usual. I love him… John and Austin and I went to pick Tee up from work at 11 and then they went to McDonald’s and the gas station for stuffs. It was a fun drive. Chinese fire drill haha. When we got home John and I went up to the room to watch some movies. We watched paranormal activity four. Well. Kind of. Some stuff went down, and let me tell you what. Imma have a real fun time trying to hide my neck around my mom for a while until this bruise goes away. Oh well. I liked it haha. We still didn’t have sex. I don’t want to rush this. I don’t want him to feel rushed. I don’t want to feel rushed. I want it to be perfect, to every detail. Everything. And whenever it does happen, I never want to forget it. We were in bed until about 3:30 in the morning. Went downstairs and hung out with Austin and Caleb for a bit. Then John and I decided to take a shower. Never showered with a guy before, so yea, I was nervous as hell. Seeing as I’m uncomfortable with my body and shit. But he was a gentleman. Left while I got undressed and in the shower. Knocked to make sure I was ready. Turned off all the lights but a little nightlight. And the best part? He wasn’t all over me. He didn’t try some shit. Didn’t grope me and whatnot. He just stood as close to me as possible. Holding me, kissing me. Telling me I am beautiful. That he loves me. He washed my hair. He made me feel so comfortable. Made sure the water was always just right. He’s perfect. He said that eventually we’ll be able to shower with the lights on, and I know it’ll probably be sooner than he thinks. I have nothing to hide from him. I have no shame around him. I feel comfortable with all that I am with him. Makes me feel as perfect as he thinks I am.. After an hour in the shower together, we got out and he dried me off and we got dressed and went up to the room. Snuggled up in bed. I probably didn’t finally fall asleep until six or six-thirty in the morning. I was just staring up at the ceiling. Listening to the sound of his breathing. His heart beat. Taking it all in. His warmth, his perfection. Every bit of him. Thinking about life. Our life. The future. The past. Now. Everything.
This morning, we woke up at 10 because he had to go to work and whatnot. It sucked that he had to leave, but it wasn’t all bad. I decided to not be all antisocial and I went downstairs and talked to Michael for a while. He’s just so… I don’t even know how to describe that kid, but I can only handle him in short intervals… haha. Tina came in and we just talked about random things and watched some TV. Animal and Sissy woke up and were asking if John and I had sex yet -rolls eyes- Why is it so important dude. Then Sissy said she was gonna start calling me Nikki, because I took a shower with him. I’m pretty sure Nikki is the one everyone there calls a whore, so I dunno how I feel about that shit. Don’t really see how it makes me a whore or anything. It’s just a shower. SMH… After a while I went up to the bedroom and passed the fuck out until John got home. I don’t know why but I got hella tired outta nowhere haha. Won’t lie. I wouldn’t mind waking up to that smiling face every day 🙂 We left around 7 I think to get everyone where they were goin. Tee was salty as hell haha. He had a mo
vie date with some bitch. She was triflin lemme tell you what. She started freakin the fuck out on him because we had to go through Rockford to get to my house. Bitch. You HAVE to go through Rockford. Girl was all scared that we were gonna get shot or some shit. Like, she legit started yellin at Tee and tellin him off for wanting to go down 9th street. Like what the fuck haha. Took every bit of me not to be a bitch and scare her some more haha.
Got home. Took my shit to my room. Went for a walk to shell to get some smokes. Dan was workin tonight, talking to some dude that started hitting on me and he was creepier than hell. Made my skin crawl, and not many people can do that, so you know it ain’t good. Fucker waited to see which way I left shell and fuckin drove past me and honked. I wanted to vomit. Nasty ass. I belong to someone thank you. Well… That sounds bad haha. I am someone’s woman already. GTFO.
Now I’m home. Sitting in bed. Reliving every second. Loving everything. Dying to be back where he is…
I’m going to write some in my little notebook for John.
Speaking of which, I forgot. I got to read what he has done of my story. Might I say, I died a bit. I love him. So much. God do I love him…
<3CaseyRenee<3