BANG BANG go the coffin nails…

 Today I’ve been ripping myself to bits the entire day. I’m trying to play it off. Play pretend. One of me and Gino’s very favorite games we would play together. Things are always so much happier when you play pretend…

I hate myself. I hate everything that I am. I’m ashamed of what I’ve become. What I’ve always been. Gino wrote a few entries last night. Four I believe actually. One, I was in. He was putting cuts for every person that has ever wronged him… My paragraph… Was the second longest… Thus meaning my cut, was the second deepest… I don’t know what to do. I can’t get the words on the page out of my head. I keep seeing them. I can pretty much hear him screaming them at me. Telling me I’m horrid. I don’t want my best friend to hate me… If I wasn’t so fucked up…

I’m ashamed of me. So ashamed. Look at my skin. Look at my eyes. My face. Take a good long look at me. I have scars everywhere. Tattoos trying their hardest to cover up the truth. To cover up the pain. Trying too hard only to fall short… Look at my eyes. The things I’ve seen. The lies that hide within them. If only you could read me. If only you knew. My smile. So fake so often. Unless there’s John… That’s the realest smile I wear. Ever.

I just want to scream. I want to scream my lungs out until my throat starts to bleed. I want to yell. Scream out every single voice in my head that I hear telling me I’m shit. That I’m not good enough. That I never will be. That I’m disgusting. I just want to stop hearing it every day. I’m so sick of breaking myself down.

I just want to run. Run until the sun leaves the sky. Until the stars and the moon lights my way. Run until I’m lost. Run until my feet can’t take another step. Until I can’t breathe. Until I can’t scream. Until I can’t cry. I just want to run…

I’m breaking myself apart. I almost made myself sick this morning. I almost blacked out. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I have everything I want. Everything I need. I have a loving family. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have a great job. Why can’t I enjoy that? Why do I constantly have to feel like this. I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired…

I want to see John… So bad… I know that he’s going to read this… I know that he’s going to worry… And I know he’s going to ask me about it… And then I’m going to feel like shit for making him worry and I just don’t even fucking know.

GOD I WANT TO SCREAM.

Half day at work tomorrow.

Tattoo appointment at 2.

Staying with John Saturday. No ifs ands or buts about it. It’s going to happen. I can’t go another week without his caress…

<3CaseyRenee<3