afraid to sleep

Amy,

I fear the night, mostly being haunted by the nightmares that wake me in cries and shivers. The darkest part of my mind seems to be opening only through these nightmares and it brings me no peace. Yet, if I dont take the meds to sleep i can be awake for days, only making me feel worse, so i have to take te lesser evil whivh is the terrifying nigtmares, which really isnt less evil. Waking in the middle of a panic attack is never fun, but im 29. Im taking so many pills that something has to give. I cant continue down this path anymore. Im scared when i have short moments of okness because when all i have ever know is being down change isnt something i grasp easily. But being in a state where i feel nothing is scary too. So i try to keep a balance, sometimes so difficult that i dont mind the darkness when the suicide thoughts come up. Release from this mental prison would be a nice welcome. My life is wasting away, im wasting away with no direction or purpose. So, whats the point of continuing….I do take advantage when my mind lets me read. Those moments where i can focus on one thing and let my moond wonder into the beauty of another world. A blurring line starts to appear because I let myself go, that when the reality of my life snaps me out of it, like a hard slap, i inhale in shock, in feeling the emptiness the void that is so engulfing that no one can understadn unless they have been in this place. I dont think i will ever be the saem as before. I feel that this emptiness makes marks you. Leaves a harsh stinging scar no matter what happends. Like being given freedom but still changed to a ball, only the leash has a long cord.

Sometimes music moves my dying rotting soul and i feel my eyes water. I have no feelings towards it. I just feel moved. Beautiful is the only way i can describe it. In those rare moments i long to have a reason to live, for it that to last so that my soul will continue to stir, to awaken to fight, but as soon as it appeasrs, it vanishes.

This fucking mind sucks. Dont be surprised if i end up dead soon! Anything to get some fucking peace.