In the air tonight

Amy,

Oliver seems to be everything I could ever ask for a guy but I still find myself so hesitant to take it from where it is now. I feel like I’m forcing myself to find him attractive, because honestly there is no lust there for me. I feel that there are moments I like being with him but there is no passion there for me. I will play along for a while because I have to give him a chance but in the end I think there is no future for us. I feel like I can do better. I know that’s so fucked up, but I just don’t find Oliver attractive. I like guys with hair and some tan color. He doesn’t have any of that. Can I learn to love him? maybe? I do care but I don’t think its more than a companion. I know as I write this, its so fucked up but that is how I’m feeling right now. He doesn’t spark my soul. I don’t get excited. Honestly I think he is sort of boring. I just don’t know what to do except to just drag this along until I cant anymore. I’m just in such a bad place with my brain that I cant make any great decision right now. I really shouldn’t be in a relationship in the first place because I’m barely can give the mimi um, Hopefully he breaks it up in like a month. I can self sabatoge like second nature, I know its fucked but i just feel shit. Yet at same time Ive never had a relationship like he and I. I dont want to talk about it anymore.

Im still pretty sad about mr munchkin dying. I miss him terribly. Its so sad how quite and down the house seems wihout him. Hopefully we can get a kitten soon. 🙁 Ok enough talking about all this shit i hate dealing with.

In the music scope of my life, I love a singer named Adele. Her voice sparks my soul sometimes and thats the most emotion Ive felt in the last 2 weeks. I found myself going back and looking at the picctures from last year and i look so put together so happy and I miss that. Im alsi so afraid that I will never be that person anymore.

Last night as we were driving back from Thundervalley I swear the darkness crepted into my brain and I wanted to buy a scapel so that I can just slit my wrist. The suicidal thoughts came racing into my mind makinf feel that it an option.Im aactually at peace with myself if it come to the point where I have to take my life, The feeling of despair and nightmates is not something i can comtinue doing alone. FUck! I feel the crazy. I have to go now.